


Matt Casey: Superdad

by forgetmenotjimmy



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Brain Damage, Divorce, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Foster Care, Head Injury, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Major Character Injury, Memory Loss, Permanent Injury, Retirement, Swearing, Trans Character, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-18 04:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18112862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetmenotjimmy/pseuds/forgetmenotjimmy
Summary: Ever since he first rescued a child from a burning building, Matt Casey has wanted children of his own. Something always got in the way but when he’s forced into early retirement by his head injury, he decides that nothing would hold him back now. He never suspected that the children he helped would help him in return.





	1. Prologue

April 2015

Upon waking, the first thing he remembered was that Katya was dead. He blinked against the harsh lights. Someone was groaning. Then a hushed voice came from beside him. Squinting, he saw Boden.

“Easy, easy.” His chief hushed him. He tried to speak but could only force out a hoarse, pathetic sound. Swallowing, he tried again.

“Katya?” Boden didn’t speak, just shook his head. Matt couldn’t make out his expression, vision getting blurry.

“I’m so sorry Matt.” He slipped away into the dark.

_Smoke was in the air, embers fluttering in the wind as the water gushed and people yelled across the lowering flames. A young firefighter stumbled out of the door with a small child clinging to him. He looked around a moment before heading for the ambulance, every so often reassuring the coughing and sobbing boy. One paramedic was checking a victim’s lung sounds, the other came into view. They reached out to take the boy but the firefighter didn’t let him go. He couldn’t. Someone was talking to him. Hermann._

_‘Let him go, Candidate. They’ve got him.’_

_Automatically, his grip slackened and he placed the kid in the medic’s arms carefully. He couldn’t look away as they began checking the kid’s vitals. Hermann patted his shoulder._

_‘Come on, fire’s almost out, we’re gonna start overhaul soon.’ Casey nodded. He took one last look at the child he’d rescued and then turned back to do his job._

Matt woke. Katya was dead and his brain had been scrambled. Even before Boden breathed in deeply and told him the damage in wavering tones, he knew.

“You collapsed at the scene. Voight said that…” He tried to listen but the black pulled him under.

Doctors and nurses came and went. The light changed and the wires in him moved; familiar faces swam before him, eyes soft and expressions grim. Sometimes people would say his name but he couldn’t focus on them. The doctors would ask him questions and he’d try to answer; words were slippery for some reason. He couldn’t find words he knew that he knew. Time passed without him realising. His head hurt.

Severide’s hand was on his shoulder once…or maybe it was in his hair. 

He woke. The chief was with him again, telling him that the doctors said that the worst should be over now. It was easier this time to follow what Boden was saying. His eyes focused relatively quickly and he could tell that although as calm and collected as ever, the chief was worried. There was some complication about the fact that his second injury hadn’t technically happened on the job, but Boden was going to take care of it.

“Matt, I am so sorry.” Matt gulped, blinking hard. His head jerked forward and he fought to keep his breathing steady. It hadn’t been unexpected, as much as he’d tried to deny it to himself. He’d been warned about his head injury and being held at gun point hadn’t exactly instilled confidence in his continued well-being. That one of the mobsters had cracked his head against the wall seemed almost inevitable. Still. Retired at 35. God.

He felt the phantom weight of that small body in his arms and even as he grieved, knew that he had more to give.


	2. Recovery

Vargas came to visit him whilst he was still in the hospital. He looked a lot better; at peace with his situation. It was a like night and day compared to the wreck he’d been just after his accident, Matt kind of hated that. Then he hated himself for resenting the man’s happiness. Was it because he’d been thrown into a fathomless void of pain? Or because being jealous and bitter was who he was now? After his little self-flagellation session, he made an effort to listen and care about Vargas’ life now. As if knowing where his head was at, the ex-Squad member patted him on the shoulder and left him alone.

The doctors wanted to monitor him for a while longer to properly gauge his new baseline and come up with a comprehensive rehab plan. He’d done seemingly all the brain-function tests: sorting cards and answering question after question. The results hadn’t been great. He could still walk and dress himself, but talking had become difficult. The words he wanted were always on the tip of his tongue or would change just before escaping his lips.

On top of that was his now terrible short-term memory. Sometimes the nurses or doctors would answer his questions with a tone that implied they’d already answered it before; or someone from the House would mention someone coming by that Matt had forgotten about. His doctor told him not to worry overly much as memory problems were common with brain injuries and there was a chance it would improve as he recovered. Severide had taken to writing important info – or silly notes – on post its and sticking them around Matt’s room. When he was able to get up and about, he would shuffle around reading them all, squinting as he got tired and playing a game with himself, trying to memorise them, then go back to the bed and say them to himself. Gabby had looked at him a little strangely when she’d caught him doing it, but Severide had grinned and written another note.

His sister and niece came to visit. It was awkward as Matt had struggled to think of anything to say, seeing that Christie was having the same problem. Violet talked a little about a school project she was doing and her violin recital coming up. Matt made Christie write it on a post-it so he’d remember to go. They were all a bit uncomfortable with the reminder of his injury, but Christie’s eyes were full of her relief that he was still alive and she kissed him on the forehead before they left. Matt closed his eyes and willed himself to remember that.

Eventually, Matt was discharged and spent a lot of time on the couch, not watching TV. When he was home, Severide would sit next to him and help him pretend that nothing was different. He wouldn’t over-do it, like speak in cheery tones and offer a million suggestions of what they could do together. He wouldn’t bring up the nightmares he’d overheard or the anxiety attacks he helped Matt come down from. He definitely didn’t try to try to get Matt to talk about his feelings – or lack of them.

Instead he slipped Matt beers and listened as his friend struggled to communicate. The aphasia had improved a little; he had a few good days in which he didn’t lose any words and felt normal, but most days he failed to find at least a few words.

Although embarrassing, especially with people he didn’t know, that wasn’t the worst thing. That would be his memory: now full of Swiss cheese. After not understanding a reference Otis had made to a previous call, Matt asked Severide and Dawson to help him go through the last few years to check his recall. Whilst he remembered the main events: Hallie and Shay passing, Severide’s unique recovery strategy and his own mishandled grief, the _two_ hospital bombs, and so on, a lot of little details had been lost.

Severide suggested that Matt carry around a small notepad to jot things down to help him remember new little details and put reminders in his own phone of Matt’s appointments.

Things at House 51 got back to normal – although Casey’s absence in command was felt keenly. Hermann stepped up to become Truck Lieutenant and Gabby completed her training to become a candidate. Matt was proud of the both of them and tried to squash the envy creeping into his heart. He’d been back a few times to fill out some paperwork and whilst everyone had gone out of their way to be welcoming and acting like normal, he’d still been embarrassed by his memory problems and aphasia. Within those walls and on the rig he’d commanded men and women in life-or-death situations; he’d been a leader, someone who was strong and skilled and now… The memories he did have taunted him. The man he used to be looked back at him in the mirror, and was ashamed.

…

Rehab finally done with – although Matt’s doctor insisted that he have regular check-ups to monitor his condition closely – Matt was eager to get back to doing something useful. He still remembered all he knew about construction, both admin and technical skill, but recalling all the details in the moment sometimes alluded him. He also complained to Severide that it took twice as long to fill in paperwork and draw up quotes and plans.

“I lose my train of thought every 5 minutes.” He sighed, rubbing his eyes. “It’s infuriating.”

“You sleeping any better?” Severide asked casually, though he was watching Matt closely. Said insomniac murmured.

“Not really.”

“Didn’t your doc give you some meds for that?”

“They’re for…” he waved his hand, “anxiety and stuff.”

“Same difference. I mean I assume.” Matt just shrugged and Kelly dropped it. Though Matt wasn’t far enough gone not to notice the increase of hot chocolate being made ‘randomly’ around bedtime. He had refused Kelly’s offer to help him with some of his construction business but accepted the suggestion that he hire an accountant to do the tax stuff.

“I’ve been looking for an excuse not to do my taxes for years.” He’d said happily to Kelly, who’d snorted.

“Yeah, right. Not like you could have afforded one before, you thrifty bastard.” Matt had just stuck his tongue out, making Kelly laugh all the more.

Then Gabby told him that she was expecting. At first, he was numb at the news. Then joyous. They’d hugged and spoken quickly over each other about plans and ideas. There was some anxiety about being a good parent, especially with his new difficulties, but Matt had been dreaming of having his own family for more than a decade. With Gabby by his side, he knew that the two of them could do it. In the midst of all the excitement, Severide decided to move out and give the growing family some space. Whilst appreciative of his friend’s reasoning, Matt was still sad to see him go. He would never admit it to anyone, but Kelly was the only one who could make him feel normal.

…

By autumn, Matt was doing a lot better. He was sleeping through the night, most nights, and his anxiety was under control through a combination of meds and therapy. Whilst at first he’d been resistant, after finding that the techniques did help, he’d put his all into putting the therapist’s advice into practice.

He had been planning to get his construction business back on track but with the coming baby, he and Gabby had decided that it would be better to concentrate on getting things ready. Gabby was working in Arson and he was earning 75% long-term disability so they were doing okay for income. Matt also had substantial savings in case of emergencies. Gabby occasionally talked about dipping into them for big things like a new car or holidays, but Matt was wary of those ideas. He liked to live frugally and only wanted to touch them if they had no other choice. Especially if they were going to start a college fund.

So armed with baby books and links to seemingly thousands of websites: he got to work. He painted and repainted, built a cot and a new dresser and a playpen. He and Gabby went shopping and stocked up on clothes and diapers and a million things he’d never even known had existed. His mother had been a font of wisdom and he’d jotted down a lot of her suggestions. He’d hoped that she would visit now that he had more time to actually spend with her, but although she always answered his calls and would happily chat, she was resistant to come over in person. Christie and Violet were more willing, however, and they’d had some nice family dinners together. Matt still remembered how to cook and he’d taught Violet a few recipes – Christie a self-confessed disaster in the kitchen.

He would sometimes visit the House, although only whenever he had an excuse – someone’s birthday or a charity event or something. Once he went over and took photos of everyone, planning on printing them out at a professional place and hanging them up in the baby’s room.

“So they’ll know about their extended family.” He’d explained to a bemused Kelly.

“Matt, do you really think we’re not all going to be over all the time? Or that you’ll bring the sprog to the house.”

“Sprog?” He’d challenged with an eyebrow raised. Kelly had puffed out his chest.

“I know some baby stuff.” But then his expression had turned sad and Matt suddenly remembered the too brief time in which Kelly had been a godfather. He put a hand on his friend’s shoulder and wished he could do more.

Four months after Gabby told him about their baby, she was rushed to the emergency room. Familiar faces blurred in front of him and a strong hand on his shoulder anchored him to the real world. Until the bottom fell away at the doctor’s words. Until he was sitting beside his fiancée lying still and pale in a hospital bed, thinking about all the memories they’d never get to make. Until Severide broke through the shroud of darkness to point out that his hands were shaking and maybe he should lie down.

The day Gabby was discharged Matt helped her to bed, waited until she’d fallen into a fitful sleep and then locked the door to the baby’s room. He put the key somewhere, purposefully not writing down where, and went back to bed – staring at the ceiling until the sun came up the next day.


	3. Big Brother

Time passed. Gabby went back to work and Matt tried not to feel abandoned in the house by himself when she was on shift. He did what he always did when Life punched him in the gut, threw himself into work. Whilst he’d developed ways of coping with his memory problems, he hired an extra hand, Alvaro, and Alvaro's nephew Daniel as an apprentice. Although he hadn’t shown any signs of slower reflexes or reduced mental capacity, he still felt better having another experienced hand for complicated and potentially dangerous jobs. In fact, he found he enjoyed teaching Daniel the ropes, seeing him learn and grow. Daniel had been through a lot in his teenage years and had barely graduated high school so Matt was more than happy to help give him help learning a trade.

Over the months, the darkness faded and with a few beers and a worried Severide’s help, he’d managed to open the nursery door again. After that, his urge to start a family reemerged and became stronger and stronger the longer he felt like he was sitting on it. 

He’d brought up the idea of fostering with Gabby but even half a year after her miscarriage the thought of a child in the house was too painful for her. Matt knew that it would be tough, for both of them, but avoiding the issue wouldn’t make it go away. He’d discussed it with his therapist. She suggested that Matt become a Big Brother. It would allow him to mentor a child without involving Gabby overly much. A perfect compromise.

So Matt read the material and then spoke to the nice lady at the Chicago Division. She told him about the Amachi programme, for children of incarcerated parents and it just seemed meant to be. There were some forums for Big Brothers and Sisters which she recommended he check out as well. So he could ask advice from people who had been through the process.

He explained to Gabby that it was a commitment of 3 meetings per month for a year, with additional events. She was not altogether happy with the plan, but she couldn’t think of any strong enough arguments against it to dissuade him.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or exclude you from any part of my life,” Matt had explained earnestly, “but I need this. I…” He’d choked a little, forgetting the next word he needed. Brow creasing in sympathy, Gabby put a hand on his arm.

“Do what you need to do.” She averted her eyes and said uncomfortably. “But I can’t…”

“It’s okay.” He said simply and nodding, she patted his arm and then retreated to the bedroom.

…

So Matt went through the training and checks whilst Gabby talked about going back onto truck if a position opened up. The thought worried him but he tried hard not to let it show, remembering the last time he’d raised his unease at her firefighting. One day he was reading some material on mentoring troubled children and a passage struck him.

_Children who have experienced trauma tend to experience an accelerated thrust toward self-sufficiency and engage in activities beyond their developmental capacity._

Matt swallowed uncomfortably and continued. It was all very interesting information but he had to try and ignore the parallels he could see between the characteristics they were describing and his own life. He froze whilst reading the next paragraph and then slowly re-read the last line.

_Exposure to trauma heightens the need to identify with a peer group and use it for a sense of safety._

Many people had asked him over his career why he’d chosen to become a firefighter. He had always trotted out the age-old wanting to help people reason, which was true. But it wasn’t all of it.

Being a firefighter was a huge part of his identity, was becoming a big brother his way of finding another identity? Would that even be a bad thing?

Was he really ready for this? It was one thing to take care of Andy’s kids for a while because Heather needed him to, but quite another to take on the mentoring of a child who needed specialised support. He could still remember the awkward first few days of finding his feet with Ben and Griffin, and how much Gabby had helped him. This time she wouldn’t be there to read the situation and offer a solution or advice. He’d be on his own. He brought up it with the coordinator at the local Amachi programme and she reassured him. Lots of people went through a period of doubting but when they got into it, things cleared up.

So he completed the training and checks and then he met Jason.  

Jason Wheeler was small for his age. Skinny with dark hair and thick glasses, he had a kind of nervous energy to him; bouncing up and down minutely before visibly stilling his fidgeting. His father was serving a 5-year sentence for identity fraud and his mother had died when he’d been young. He was living with his aunt but his local pastor, knowing the relationship between the two not to be very loving, had flagged him to the Amachi programme.

The first time Matt saw him was at the local youth centre in an organised event for new mentors and mentees to meet each other. Jason’s aunt stood behind him; her strong presence and stern expression making Matt want to check his shirt was tucked in and his hair tidy.  Just managing to overcome the urge, he stepped forward and introduced himself. Jason looked up at him nervously, replying quietly, causing his aunt to frown.

“Speak up Jason, for goodness sake.” The poor boy repeated himself a little louder and Matt tried to smile reassuringly. “Alright, I’ll be back at three.” The woman confirmed for Matt, who nodded seriously. The man and boy watched her go before Matt breathed in deeply.

“So, what games do you like?” The boy shrugged and Matt offered. “You know how to play checkers?” Shyly, Jason nodded and followed Matt over to the games board. Matt laid out the instruction sheet next to the board, explaining casually. “My memory’s not so great so sometimes I need to double check the rules.” If Jason had an opinion on this, he kept it to himself.

They started playing in silence, Matt at a loss of what topics of conversation to try. He’d been advised not to try and force a bond or try and learn everything there was to know in one meeting. Be friendly and open; not over-familiar and invasive. On the drive over, he’d tried to remember what Ben and Griffin had been interested in. He couldn’t recall anything. Coughing, he asked.

“So, what do you do after school?” Jason shrugged. Matt gave him a minute; in case he was thinking of an answer. When he just made another move, Matt tried tentatively. “You play any video games?”

“Aunt Sandra doesn’t have a console.”

“Ah.” Matt nodded and thought over his next move. After a few minutes, he ventured. “I like reading in my spare time. There’s his spy novel I’m reading right now that’s really good.” He closed his mouth again and Jason glanced up at him shyly. Matt frowned and then looked down at the board. “Hey, you won! Good one. Play again?”

“You-” Jason began but then cut himself off. Resetting the pieces, Matt humming enquiringly. “You didn’t let me win, did you?” Matt smiled.

“I wish! No, you won fair and square.” Jason eyed him a moment before seeming to believe him; he shrunk into himself a little more before saying quietly.

“I read too.” Matt finished setting up the board and prompted casually.

“Oh yeah?” Jason didn’t look up, just nodding. Matt indicated for him to go first. “Anything interesting?” Jason moved and gave Matt a micro-glance before shrugging again. Deciding not to push, Matt pretended to focus on the game. He was rewarded a little while later when Jason offered.

“There was this book…” Playing it cool, Matt asked enough interested questions to get Jason to keep talking and soon he was passionately explaining about the NASA mars programme. Matt nodded along encouragingly. He won that game as Jason was so distracted, but the boy didn’t seem to mind. They spent the rest of the time talking about space, Matt so happy that Jason had seemed to shed off his shyness. Another kid had overheard their conversation and soon she had joined in with her mentor sharing smiles with Matt as the children fed off each other’s enthusiasm.

When his aunt came, Jason looked as disappointed as Matt felt, but he returned Matt’s hi-five and smiled a little when Matt mentioned going to Planetarium for their next meeting.

“Only if you want. Maybe you’ve been before.” Jason nodded fervently and Matt smiled widely. He bid Jason and his aunt goodbye and went to talk to the coordinator, Jo. ‘Cautiously optimistic’ was how he described his outlook coming out of the meeting and Jo reassured him that these things often took time.

“I’m sure you’ll soon be fast friends.”

Their next meeting went even better. Jason opened up faster and Matt felt more confident about his technique of leaving space for Jason to fill. He found out lots more about his mentee. Jason was well-read for his age with a keen interest in all things science or teach-related.  Whilst Matt could follow some of the jargon, a lot of it went right over his head. He just nodded along and tried not to feel foolish as he asked follow-up questions. Jason didn’t seem to judge him though, in fact, his smile only grew as he explained different concepts and processes.

At one point, Matt started jotting down key words, hoping that he wouldn’t have to look up too many of the concepts later. When Jason noticed him doing this, Matt joked.

“You’ll have to give me a pop quiz next time.” Jason smiled a little confusedly, before asking softly.

“You said that you have…that your memory…”

“Ah yeah. I’m the youngest-looking old guy ever.” Matt laughed. Poor Jason looked like he wasn’t sure if he should laugh too. Having already received advice on how to explain his mental difficulties, Matt said simply. “I had a head injury about a year ago. It makes me forget little things sometimes, usually words or memories.” He held up his notepad. “It’s why I have this thing. If something’s important for me to remember I write it down so I don’t forget.” Jason nodded, taking it in. “If you have any questions, you can ask me.” Jason shook his head hurriedly and Matt was saddened to see he’d retreated a little. Still, he didn’t push and after a while began. “Okay, so the theory of relativity is…” He saw Jason wince and asked self-deprecatingly. “Tell me I wasn’t all wrong!”

Their third meeting, Jason asked out of the blue:

“Did it hurt?” Matt took a moment to figure out what he was talking about.

“Oh, my injury?” He considered. He’d tried not to think about it, pushing the trauma down with all his other demons. “Kinda, but I had enough adrenaline that it masked most of it.” He shrugged. “I don’t really remember much.” Seeing Jason’s curiosity hadn’t been sated, he offered. “You want to hear the story?”

“If you don’t mind.” The boy said shyly. Matt nodded and began a highly-edited version: explaining his job as a firefighter, the outline of the call and how the beam had fallen on himself and the baby on their way out. He skipped over the seizure in the ambulance, the gangster who’s hammered the final nail into the coffin, the dark days of depression and hopelessness.

“I was sad about retiring for a while, but my friends helped me get through it. Now I try to look on the bright side, because I was injured I get disability pay which means I can work part-time and have time for this.” Jason looked a little overwhelmed but after a moment managed.

“And the baby? Is she alright?” Sitting back, Matt thought.

“Uh, she was stable when they took her to the hospital. We helped so many people, it would have driven us crazy to keep track of all of them. You can only do so much, you know?”

“How many people did you save?” Matt considered.

“My team has probably saved hundreds of people.” And Jason kept on asking questions, his curiosity ignited. Matt answered as honestly as he could and had to defer some questions he couldn’t remember the answers to, writing them down to check later.

That night, Severide came over as Gabby was on shift at Molly’s. Matt had noticed his friend’s tendency to make sure he wasn’t alone and tolerated with good grace. Sometimes it irritated him as he wasn’t a cripple goddammit, but mostly it was too sweet to get worked up about. He used the opportunity to pick Severide’s brain about answers to Jason’s questions. Severide helped him but hesitated.

“Do you miss it?”

“Being a firefighter? Course I do. The feeling of rescuing someone, knowing you made a difference. There’s nothing like it. But there’s no use crying about it and helping kids like Jason, I think it’ll fill that hole.” Severide nodded and confessed quietly.

“It’s not the same without you.” He sighed. “You happy?” It was something he’d started asking after his retirement had been announced. The first time Matt had answered sarcastically.

“Oh yeah, I’m on top of the world.” Kelly had just looked at him and hugged him till he’d sighed and whispered, “no.” Ever since, Matt took the question seriously. He sat back and smiled.

“Yeah, you?” Kelly sighed.

“I’d be happier if I could work out how to get Capp and Tony to get a grip on this new equipment we got recently.” Matt hummed and they talked it over for a bit. Matt really cherished their brainstorming sessions, when Kelly would bring up a problem and ask for his opinion. A lot of people assumed that his injury had made him dumber somehow, because he spoke less and slower, with occasional gaps as he forgot words. Sometimes he felt Gabby looked at him differently. He could tell that she didn’t share as much with him as she used to, maybe in fear of overwhelming him or something.

Kelly was one of the few who never made Matt feel slow; waiting patiently for him to finish his point and then responding normally. Eventually they’d talked through all the possibilities and Kelly headed back to his new place, Matt shaking off the ache in his chest.

Matt’s friendship with Jason went from strength to strength, so much so that Jason mentioned wanting to visit his father in jail. An expert in prison visits, Matt wasn’t worried about his own reaction, but about how little Jason would handle it. Not wanting to underestimate him – he’d been small and scrawny once himself – he didn’t over-prep him, instead sticking to the simple speech he’d given the Darden boys. Jason turned into a nodding dog, mute and answering questions with tilting or shaking of his head. Matt squeezed his shoulder reassuringly as they went to sit down at the tables. Jason looked a little green, eyes darting around the room.

“Deep breaths.” Matt advised quietly. The prisoners started to file out and Jason’s body jacknifed, seemingly caught between nerves and excitement. Matt split his attention between Jason and the prisoners, trying to see resemblances and guess who was Jason’s father. Finally, Jason jumped in his seat and Matt saw answering recognition on one of the prisoner’s faces. Seeing the muted joy in those eyes, the man instantly had Matt’s sympathy – it was expression he knew well. Jason hadn’t talked about the specifics of his father’s crime but Matt had been briefed. His story smacked of poor choices and wasted opportunity. Regret was etched into his entire frame and his love for Jason was obvious.

After the introductions, Matt angled himself away to try and give the two a little privacy. He was soon brought into the conversation though, as Jason mentioned Matt's ex-firefighter status and how he now wanted to be a first responder. His father, Dennis, looked a little alarmed and not a little resentful of the admiration in his son’s voice. Sensing a potential problem, Matt added quietly that Jason had lots of time to make any decisions about his future. He exchanged a glance with Dennis, successfully conveying that he wasn’t trying to muscle in and take over. After that the air cleared a little, though Dennis still radiated shame.

When it was time to go, both father and son looked so reluctant it brought back cold, lonely memories. Jason turned away, drooping, and Matt leaned forward to say lowly to Dennis.

“It gets easier.” Eyes wet, Dennis nodded back and Matt took Jason home. They didn’t talk but just before Jason hopped out, Matt reminded him that he was just a phone call away. The boy flashed him a small smile and then he was gone. Matt had to put extra effort into concentrating on the road as he drove back; to not get lost in his past.

The following week, Gabby called Matt from the firehouse.

“How far along were you in the approval for fostering?”


	4. Do You Swear...?

Matt did not ever say ‘I told you so’ to Gabby as they rushed to finish the approval process to be able to foster Louie. Not even once. Whilst he’d been negotiating with Gabby over the issue, he’d already been for some interviews and read the material. In tandem with Louie’s caseworker, they managed to bring forward the house visit and final paperwork. Then a bursting-with-joy Gabby was bringing her boy home.

Louie was a sad little boy. He was beautiful with his big, soulful eyes which stared up at Matt so fearfully. Matt had to make a conscious effort to keep his voice soft and his movements slow and unthreatening. It took a few days, but after a lot of patience, Louie stopped tensing when Matt was in the room and looking scared when Gabby wasn’t there.

She’d also been cleared to be with him but Matt was listed as the primary foster carer. They’d had to list her permanent address as elsewhere until she could also be registered as a foster carer. Tina knew their situation but advised that she in fact knew nothing and until the paperwork was completed, they should make an effort to adhere as much to the white lie as possible. Thus Gabby spent some nights at Brett’s. It killed her to be away from her angel longer than necessary, but she trusted Matt to be there for Louie and give him as much as he could.

“You know, considering.” She’d explained vaguely, Matt had frowned, not sure what to make of the comment. She was feeding Louie some soldiers, dipping them in the egg and then encouraging him to hold them himself.

“Considering what?” She didn’t respond for a long moment, watching Louie chewing. When she looked up, she ignored the question.

“I’ve got to cover at the bar tonight, can you put him to bed?” Matt nodded, letting her weird comment go.

A few weeks later and with little progress having been made on Gabby’s approval process, she turned to Matt one night in bed and said.

“Why don’t we just get married now?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, not right this minute but, what are you doing tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow…why-?”

“You want to marry me, right?”

“Of course I do! That ring’s not for show.”

“Then, what are we waiting for?” Matt frowned, wondering if it was his injury or Gabby’s completely out-of-the-blue announcement which was slowing down his reactions.

“Well, I thought we might invite some people, plan it…”

“We can have a reception any time.” Leaning in, she pushed down the book he’d been reading and pressed their foreheads together. “I love you. I want to make it official.” Taking in her intense gaze, Matt’s doubts melted away and he smiled.

They married in the courthouse with another couple as witnesses. Matt had been planning on writing his own vows but with the suddenness, he was happy to follow the priest’s recitation and managed not to embarrass himself. He did stumble a little but out of the corner of his eye he saw the woman in the other couple putting a hand to her chest, perhaps thinking he was just nervous and not brain damaged. After the ceremony, Gabby called Hermann and told him. Although surprised, he instantly offered Molly’s as a reception and could be heard yelling at someone to get some decorations, fast!

With the filing of their marriage, Gabby’s status changed to full foster carer and she moved in full time again. Matt pushed through awkwardly explaining to his family and friends that he’d essentially eloped, glad that they didn’t ask him directly for the real reason. Gabby was ecstatic and Louie was finally smiling. Their family was complete, what more could he ask for?

…

About a month after their marriage, Tina asked Matt to take another child.

“A teenage girl, Kayla. She’s 14 and her mom is 1 month into a 6-month rehab programme. Kayla’s been bounced around 3 group homes in that time. She’s a good kid, just needs somewhere quiet where she can get more care and attention.” Hearing about her, Matt’s heart went out to her, knowing how tough surviving a bad group home could be. He had two main concerns though: whether he was experienced and capable enough to help her and Gabby’s agreement. Louie did require extra work and patience due to his emotional difficulties and Matt knew that Gabby would instantly take against any distraction from or potential stressor for him. Matt also worried about that but Tina was advocating Kayla for another caseworker and had already considered any potential downside for Louie. He promised to think about it – Tina no doubt understanding the subtext but gracefully not mentioning it.

After Gabby put Louie to bed that night, Matt presented Kayla’s case. As expected, Gabby shook her head the minute she realised where he was going.

“No.”

“Gabby.”

“No, Matt. Louie needs all our attention-”

“I spoke to Tina and she said-”

“You talked without me?” Raising his hands placatingly, he tried to head off that avenue of attack.

“She brought this up at our regular meeting. I haven’t given her an answer because I wanted to check with you first but Gabby, please give this idea a chance. This girl really needs some help and I really want to help her.” Pouting a little, Gabby folded her arms and considered it.

“I guess if I took less shifts at Molly’s, I could take point with Louie, so you could…have time with this Kylie.” Biting back the urge to correct her, Matt placed his palms together in thanks.

“Five months. This’ll work.” Expression softening, she stroked his face and kissed his other cheek.

“You’re a good man, Matt Casey.” Relaxing, he hugged her back and whispered.

“I love you.” Rubbing his back, she replied.

“Love you too.” After a second, she said slowly. “You know…Louie’s out like a light.” Pulling back, Matt checked that her expression matched her tone. She raised a suggestive eyebrow and he smirked – resolving to ring Tina the next day.

…

Things moved quickly; within a few days Matt had signed papers, had a dozen meetings and fixed up one of the rooms on the same floor as himself, Gabby and Louie. He’d left the colour-scheme as neutral but dug out some paint pallets for her to choose from if she did want to redecorate. Pulling up in front of the centre, he felt so nervous. He’d been warned that Kayla could be standoffish and rude and had read all the material about how to manage teenage rebelliousness and children who’d suffered abandonment. All the same, he knew it would be a struggle. At least with fires he’d had his team he could rely on.

Kayla and her caseworker, Anaya, were waiting when he arrived. He hurried up the steps.

“Sorry, I’m not late, am I?” He blurted, worrying that he’d written the time down wrong. The caseworker, just smiled and offered a limp handshake.

“No, no. You’re on time.” Kayla didn’t say anything, though she looked like she was restraining the urge to roll her eyes. Matt’s first impression of her was that she was almost exactly as he’d pictured her in his head. There was a bright red streak through her long, brown hair; she had heavy eye make-up and a nose ring. Whilst her clothes were more or less typical of a girl her age, they were mostly black or dark-coloured. Her rucksack and suitcase, however, were mismatched – one burgundy and the other pink with flowers on it – obviously borrowed.

She was slouching as if trying to hide but her expression was crystal clear – she would rather be anywhere else. Matt didn’t take it personally when she didn’t return his welcoming smile and greeting. She did grunt: ‘Kayla, obviously’, so that was something.

“Why don’t you ride with Matt? Get to know each other a little.” Anaya suggested in a tone that implied she knew full well that they’d likely spend the whole ride in silence. Kayla just shrugged and shook her head mutely when Matt offered to take her bag.

As they drove, Matt went over and over what he’d planned to say and made a conscious effort to breath calmly. The more on edge or nervous he was about something, the harder it was to speak coherently. Finally, he managed to start his planned speech.

“It’ll just be the four of us: me, my wife Gabby, Louie – who’s three – and you. Gabby works a lot – she’s a firefighter and co-owns a bar, but I’m home most of the time. I think we’re near enough your school so you can stay there.” He glanced over. “But I guess your caseworker already-”

“Yep.”

“Ok, well, we don’t have many rules, just go to school, do your schoolwork. If you go out, be back by 10. Let us know where you’re going, what you’re doing…If you’re ever unsure of anything, you can just ask.” Kayla didn’t comment, just staring moodily out of the window. Matt was about to check that she’d been listening, but in his hesitation she gave an ironic salute. Deciding that was enough for the moment, Matt kept on driving. They arrived soon enough and Matt showed Anaya where the coffee maker was before leading Kayla upstairs.

“So I cleared this room out for you – you’re at the end with Louie next to us. Thought you might want some space from the toddler, but if you want a different room-”

“’S fine.” Kayla mumbled, dumping her bag and lying down on the bed, phone in hand. Powering through, Matt just nodded.

“Okay, well, you can change your mind and if uh, here, I left some paint pallets if you want to uh…” his brain stalled and he cleared his throat, “you know.” Very aware that she was waiting for him to leave, Matt finished with. “You want anything to drink, it’s all in the refrigerator downstairs.”

“’Kay.” Smiling a little awkwardly, Matt left her to it. He chatted to Anaya over coffee, listening to her advice to give Kayla time.

“Let her come to you. Thank you again Matt, I was seeing us losing her but she’s got a real shot here.”

“I hope we can give her the home she needs.” Anaya went to say goodbye to Kayla and Matt started prepping dinner. He was making a special meal to welcome Kayla and had cleared his schedule to be around that weekend to make sure she settled in a little before she went back to school. Exams were over, so hopefully she wouldn’t be too stressed. He tried to remember his teenage years but it felt like a long time ago.

As he was chopping the carrots, he heard movement from the stairs and then Kayla made an appearance. He turned to smile at her but otherwise didn’t say anything. Hesitantly, she slunk over to the refrigerator and looked inside. After a moment, she took out some juice and then looked at the cupboards. Matt glanced up and decided to answer the question on her face.

“I’ve got a bad memory. The pictures save me a whole load of time.” It has actually been Brett’s idea. Matt had been in the firehouse kitchen one day and had jokingly complained about upending his whole house for simple things when she’d suggested pictures on the cabinets and draws.

“It’s what my grandma used to do before she…” Trailing off, cheeks going pink as she realised the comparison she’d drawn, her expression was just way too cute for Matt to get mad. Instead he’d laughed and actually taken on her suggestion.

If she had an opinion on this practice, Kayla didn’t share it, instead pouring herself a glass in silence. “I forgot to ask, are you allergic to anything?” He already knew that she wasn’t, but was blanking on anything else to say. She shook her head and took a sip. After a moment, she asked.

“What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

“Oh, sorry!” He went over to his jacket and dug out the slip of paper. It had the Wi-Fi password, his and Gabby’s phone numbers as well as the house address and firehouse address. He explained that if she ever needed help and couldn’t find either of them, someone at the firehouse would.

Kayla mumbled something as she took it – Matt hoping it was a thanks – and instantly typed the password into her phone. Deciding to heed Anaya’s advice and be patient, Matt smiled again and turned back to the food. He stirred and scrutinised it, grabbing a spoon to taste some. Humming, he added another twist of pepper and then twisted to consult the menu.

“Stock,” he said out loud and added it to the pot. Then he frowned, looking for the pen to cross that step off. He couldn’t see it and so turned to Kayla, who was leaning awkwardly on the island. “Have you seen…?” She glanced up and tapped the top of her ear. Catching her meaning, Matt flushed and retrieved his pen from behind his ear, crossing that step off the list. “It’s Chicken Pot Pie.” He said to no one in particular. “My mom wasn’t a big cook but she did teach me a few of the classics.”

He glanced over to Kayla who was still concentrating fiercely on her phone – or so it appeared. Taking a chance, he asked casually. “You got a favourite food?” It took a minute but eventually she muttered.

“Mac ‘n cheese.” Nodding he got out his notepad.

“I forget, is there a ‘k’ or not?” Giving him a look, she confirmed no ‘k’ and then slunk off. He waited until she was safely upstairs before murmuring.

“Good talk.”

…

Gabby was on shift – Matt disappointed that she hadn’t rearranged it – so he checked on Kayla before going to pick Louie up from day care. They said that he’d had a rough day – being fussy and irritable – so Matt played some peaceful music in the car and Louie fell right asleep. Matt worried about how he and Kayla would get along before reasoning that between school and homework and socialising with her friends, Kayla probably wouldn’t spend that much time in the living room/kitchen. It wasn’t like they’d be fighting over the remote.

Smiling nostalgically, he remembered fighting with his sister, the tantrums they’d throw and pleading for their mother to believe them over the other. Christie always said that as the youngest he’d enjoyed some favouritism but Matt hadn’t seen it. Their father certainly made no secret about loving Christie more – showering her with praise and delighting in her every accomplishment. Whilst everything Matt did was pathetic if worth noticing at all. The only love Matt got was from his mom and sister and then neither as they’d fallen away through murder and spats and time.

Mood soured, Matt forced himself to push those memories away as he picked up Louie and took him inside. Louie began to stir, so he deposited him on the couch in front of the TV and went to get Kayla. He wanted to introduce them as soon as possible so they could get used to each other.

Kayla wasn’t in her room.

Worry beginning to gnaw at him, he checked the rest of the house. She wasn’t there. Hands beginning to shake, Matt took in a deep breath and went to the back door, looking out into the yard. Empty. He took out his cell to call her but couldn’t find her number. Fruitlessly scrolling he suddenly realised that he hadn’t asked for it. Idiot! Looking up, he was about to go back to the front door and look out uselessly into the street when he saw movement in the yard. Kayla was coming out from behind a tree at the very bottom, wiping her hands on her pants. Relief at seeing her overpowering any curiosity over what she’d been doing, he opened the door and waved.

“Hey!” He croaked. “Come and meet Louie.” She grimaced slightly but followed him mutely to the living room. Louie was sucking his thumb and staring at the screen. “Whatcha watching big guy?” Matt asked. Louie didn’t answer so Matt knelt down and repeated the question gently.

“Dora.” Louie mumbled after a long moment.

“Great! Well can we stop it a minute? I want you to meet someone.” Louie took a while to process the question, then just looked confused. Smiling gently, Matt paused the TV and nodded at Kayla. Louie followed his gaze and Matt said softly. “This is Kayla.” Kayla shuffled forward, also speaking quietly.

“Hello, what’s your name?” Louie looked at Matt, who smiled encouragingly. Louie glanced back at her before turning and leaning into Matt shyly. Hugging him, Matt offered Kayla an apologetic smile.

“He takes a while to get used to new people.” He spoke teasingly to Louie. “Weren’t sure about me in the beginning, were you?” He looked back up at Kayla who was hovering awkwardly. “His dinner is at five. Would you mind sitting in? We’ll eat later but the more you’re around, the quicker you’ll get used to each other.” She nodded reluctantly and Matt mouthed ‘thank you’. Then he spoke to Louie. “So you can see Kayla’s really nice.” Smiling at her, he said knowingly. “You can escape if you want, I’ll call you when it’s ready.” She nodded again and shuffled away.

Matt spent the rest of the afternoon playing with Louie, marvelling at how even in a month he’d come a long way in terms of talking and eye contact. His caseworker and therapist had warned that Louie would likely struggle with emotional problems and social skills for a long time, possibly into adulthood. Matt had gone on a special training course and reviewed his notes every morning after his workout, just to make sure he could put the teachings into practice.

He made a simple pasta dish with lots of hidden vegetables Louie would hopefully eat unwittingly. Kayla came down without being called, which made Matt tentatively hopeful. Louie was wary for a few minutes, but then the smell of food distracted him and he relaxed enough to eat. Kayla tapped away on her phone and Matt let her go undisturbed, instead helping Louie guide the food into, rather than around, his mouth.

As they were finishing, Matt looked up to see Kayla watching them, expression hard with concentration. She started as she noticed him looking back and blushed, ducking her head back down to her phone. He didn’t think that she saw his reassuring smile.

“Okay, bath time big guy.” To Kayla he said. “We’ve got cable if you want to watch something. I’ll just put him to bed then finish off dinner. When do you usually eat?” Kayla shrugged. Matt scooped up Louie and balanced him on his hip. “7:30 okay?” Kayla shrugged again and Matt smiled, trying not to let his nervousness show.

Louie was tired and fussed about getting out of the bath. Drawing on years of experience of talking down panicky victims, Matt kept his voice calm and reassuring until Louie wore himself out and allowed Matt to bundle him to bed. Too tired even for a bedtime story, Louie drifted off and Matt watched him sleep for a few minutes. Every so often he liked to remind himself why he’d wanted to foster in the first place.

Protecting someone, helping them, raising them, showing them love they might never have known; that was why he suffered through paperwork, tantrums, back and forth with Gabby and the caseworkers.

Kayla was gone from downstairs when he got back down. Praying that she’d just retreated to her room, he set about finishing cooking dinner. Thankfully at 7:29 Kayla crept into view. Matt gave her a warm smile and she looked a little less nervous. They sat and as Matt served them, Kayla’s phone pinged. She froze and he needed a moment to figure out why. He smiled, holding up his own phone.

“I won’t tell you to put it on silent. I keep mine with me in case…well, Gabby’s on shift.” Kayla didn’t look like she understood. “Did I mention that she’s a firefighter?” The teenager’s expression cleared and she nodded. “Just, maybe check it’s not urgent? Then you can reply later.” Hesitantly, Kayla followed his suggestion and glanced at the message. She grimaced but then put the phone in her pocket. Wanting to help but sensing her intense introversion and need for privacy, he ignored it – fingers itching to write it down so he’d remember later. “Oh hey, I’m not sure I’ve got your schedule right, what time do you finish school?” He got out his notepad and wrote both things down.

They started eating.

“You got any plans this weekend?” She shrugged. “If you don’t, then I was thinking we could explore the block a bit? I can show you where to get the bus, the police station, best coffeehouse, that kind of thing.” Kayla looked down at her plate, not replying for a long time. Matt resisted the temptation to prompt her. After a while she looked up, biting her lip. Trying to reassure her, he said. “It’s okay if you’ve already got plans.” She shifted in her seat and mumbled something. Matt frowned, trying to decipher the almost inaudible speech.

“A party?”

“It’s stupid.” She said a little louder.

“Is it in a warehouse?” Her brow wrinkled and she shook her head. “At my friend’s house. It’s a themed party.”

“Oh yeah? Let me guess, some hit show I’ve never heard of.” She shrugged again as Matt considered it.

“Will their parents be there?” Perking up a little, she nodded. “Can I talk to them?” She hesitated through another nod, explaining with a falling expression.

“You need to dress up and…I don’t have a present to give her.” Heart strings thoroughly pulled, Matt offered.

“Well, it’s in the evening, right? We could go shopping tomorrow, get what you need.”

“Seriously?” It was Matt’s turn to shrug.

“Yeah.” Kayla considered it and then said faux-casually.

“Okay cool. Whatever.”

“Okay then. Well, Gabby should be home by 9 so we could go after breakfast. 10, 10:30?” Kayla nodded her agreement and Matt wrote it down. She got her friend’s parent’s number and Matt had a short call with Mrs Coleman. She seemed nice enough and confirmed the location of the party and that she’d be there. She didn’t seem to know Kayla that well, but did know that she was friends with her daughter. Going to bed that night, Matt felt cautiously optimistic.

…

Matt woke, as he often did when Gabby was on shift, with a little hand in his hair. His sleep was still sometimes rough, enough that when he’d had a bad day he took a few sleeping pills to not disturb Gabby in the night. Even when he hadn’t been through the cycle of waking from nightmares, Louie was always awake before him anyway, being a toddler and all. The little guy had taken a liking to Matt’s hair; he hadn’t cut it in a while so the ends were just starting to get floppy. Louie liked climbing up beside him and flicking his hair this way and that. Matt had found it strange at first, but he’d grown to look forward to it. No one had touched his hair since Hallie. Gabby did more of a stroking the face kind of soothing.

Feeling Louie’s fingers fumble through his hair, Matt smiled and shifted carefully.

“Morning. Hungry?” Louie nodded tentatively and Matt helped him down the stairs. As the boy concentrated on eating his snack bar, Matt made some coffee and read over his notes on Louie’s progress; behaviours to look out for and how to deal with them. He couldn’t leave for a run as he did with Gabby in the house, so he settled for doing some stretches.

The front door opened and Gabby came in.

“Where’re my boys?” She called.

“In here!” Matt went to greet her. Looking tired, she pecked him on the lips before laughing and scooping up Louie who had tottered over.

“Hello! Did you miss me? Huh big guy?” Louie’s eyes sparkled as they always did in Gabby’s presence and he mumbled.

“Hello.” Matt smiled, watching them but a noise behind him made him turn. Kayla was hovering in the door way. Matt nodded at her.

“Morning, sleep well?” At his invitation, she shuffled in and moved her head in what could have been called a nod. Trying to control a sudden pulse of anxiety, Matt introduced the women to each other. Gabby smiled a little but didn’t let go of Louie and Kayla nodded but didn’t smile. Even Matt picked up on the tension between them.

In the taught silence he said.

“So I’m going to take Kayla to the mall later, get some stuff for this party she’s going to tonight.” Gabby blinked.

“Tonight?” She looked between them, before leaning in and lowering her voice. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Matt frowned, not sure what her point was.

“I spoke to…the mother of her friend,” Kayla murmured.

“Mrs Coleman.” A little embarrassed to have forgotten, Matt forced his face relaxed as he thanked her and went on.

“Mrs Coleman said she’d be there the whole time. It’s not too far from here.” Shifting Louie in her arms, Gabby nodded, though she didn’t look happy.

“Okay.” She looked down at Louie. “Come on, let’s have some breakfast.” Matt glanced at Kayla and tried to smile reassuringly.

…

One awkward meal later, Kayla and Matt were in the truck on their way to the mall. Matt was pointing out all the important places as they passed them, Kayla only half-listening.

“Gabby really loves Louie.” He began, wanting to explain Gabby’s misgivings without making Kayla feel unwelcome. “She’s really protective of him. Saved him from a fire, we-they were on a call, a house fire, and she found him under a table, rescued him. That’s how she found out he was in foster care. His foster mother wasn’t…he needed a new home and Gabby,” he smiled to himself, “well, you’ll learn that Gabby can be like a force of nature when she wants.” Kayla was still looking out of the window but he went on, sure she was at least partially listening. “Anyway, they’ve got this connection. He was in another foster place before he came to us and his caseworker says he’s so much happier and calmer with Gabby.” Kayla glanced at him then, knowingly, as if she’d deduced the slight resentment he’d had towards his wife and foster son’s bond which had excluded him in the beginning. He coughed and went on.

“The point is, both of them are wary of…new people but once they get used to you and accept you; you’ve got their loyalty forever.” Kayla looked sceptical and Matt sheepishly added. “Okay, so maybe I was mainly talking about Gabby. It does take a while for Louie to look you in the eye, but he will eventually.” He smiled warmly, remembering the feeling. “It’s kind of amazing.” Kayla didn’t comment.

Together they figured out which stores they needed and sorted out her outfit and present for her friend. As he was paying for the gift, he asked.

“Did you get an allowance at the other place?” Kayla started to shake her head automatically before straightening.

“I mean, yeah, just $30 a week though.” Matt paused in taking the receipt from the cashier to shoot her a look. It’d been a while since he’d been a kid but… As he turned back to get the receipt, the cashier – who looked like a teenager herself – shrugged and said with not-quite-a-straight-face.

“Sounds reasonable.” Kayla rocked on her feet a little and Matt was hit with the realisation that she’d relaxed enough to start pushing boundaries. Not bad for just 24 hours in. He was too happy with the cheekiness to be mad, so just smirked.

“We’ll see.”

...

Gabby took Louie out for the day – Matt found out when he checked his phone – so he used the afternoon to catch up with some paperwork and Kayla holed up in her room. Matt drove her over to the party and insisted on meeting Mrs Coleman in person – stalling any accusations of paranoia by saying he knew how good voice technology had gotten. Mrs Coleman seemed perfectly nice and competent, so Matt only stayed long enough for pleasantries before telling Kayla when he’d be back.

He just made it home for Louie’s bedtime, leaning against the doorframe, listening to Gabby’s duck voice. When Louie fell asleep, he made a coffee as Gabby cracked open some wine for herself. Over dinner he listened to her talking about her shift, still feeling queasy over some details even as Gabby sat safe and whole before him. There was also a strain of nostalgia as she laughingly explained Otis and Cruz’s latest scheme backfiring horribly.

Maybe when Kayla was more settled he could take her over to the House. Yes, that would be a good enough excuse. He opened his mouth to bring up the question of how much allowance to give Kayla, but then closed it again. He’d just pay her from his own salary. It wasn’t a big deal. He checked the time and seeing it wasn’t too late, called Hermann. Usually he didn’t like to bother anyone with questions, but Hermann did have a lot of experience with teenagers and Matt wanted to get it right. Sounding very pleased to be able to pass on his pearls of wisdom, Hermann told him what he’d found worked and they had a pleasant chat; Hermann promising that they were all taking care of Gabby on calls.

When he picked Kayla up later, she looked happy but was reticent about giving any details. Well, she _was_ a teenage girl after all so he didn’t push. Instead he said.

“So I can give you $14 a week and-” he continued over her obvious disapproval, “-if you want anymore, I will pay for any chores completed.” She thought about it and then sighed heavily. They were at a stoplight so he put out a hand. “Deal?” Huffing, she shook it for a microsecond and Matt grinned.


	5. No Manual

To his disappointment, Kayla and Gabby didn’t warm up to each other over the next few weeks. If anything, their interactions only grew icier. They would mostly ignore each other but had sniped at each other if one or both were in a bad mood. He’d shown her around the firehouse, asking everyone to be gentle with her as she was shy, but he thought it had gone well. She’d watched some drills, they’d had lunch there, the guys eager to tell Kayla about their most impressive feats of bravery. When Otis had finally finished his latest boast, Brett had smiled at Kayla and said.

“Of course your foster dad has the best stories.” The teenager had looked at him curiously and then Matt couldn’t remember if he’d told her about his past. Before he could check, Otis and Cruz jumped up and began making suggestions.

“Like the time he saved the family in the elevator shaft-”

“Or dug Dawson out of the rubble with his bare hands-”

“Or delivered that baby on the highway!”

“Guys-” Matt started but the bells interrupted him and everyone rushed out, leaving Matt and Kayla sitting awkwardly at the table.

“You were a firefighter?” She asked eventually. Coughing and moving to clear his plate and he murmured confirmation. He was proud of his years as a firefighter and knew he was helping people with his fostering, but it was still difficult to reconcile the two parts of his life. What’s more: he’d seen Gabby’s expression during lunch. Even from a distance, he could tell that she hadn’t been happy.

Concerned, Matt had tried to talk to Gabby about it but all she said was that she had a bad feeling about the teenager and didn’t trust her around Louie. Too slow to hide his honest reaction to her opinion, Matt winced through her biting tongue and failed to placate her – stress making his speech stilted and too quiet. Gabby sighed heavily.

“I don’t want to fight, Matt. I just need you to consider _my_ position.” Jumping on her softer tone, Matt rubbed her arm reassuringly. No sound came out when he tried to speak and he grit his jaw in frustration. She kissed him on the cheek, regret flashing over her face. “I’ve got to pick Louie up.” Turning his head, he pressed his lips against hers, trying to infuse it with all of his love. They stayed there a long moment before pulling away slowly. Gabby’s eyes were soft as she whispered. “Me too.”

Unhappy that nothing had really been resolved, Matt watched her leave and tried not to imagine all the terrible endings that animosity could have.

He was so preoccupied with thinking about it that Jason noticed. They were in the truck, going to see Jason’s father again, when Matt was startled from his thoughts by a tentative question.

“Are you okay?” Matt frowned.

“Me?” He saw Jason’s concern and realised that he was gripping the steering wheel pretty tightly. Relaxing his grip, he answered blandly. “Yeah, I’m okay.” Where had this kid learnt such a sassy eyebrow raise? Sighing, he relented. “I’m just worried about Kayla… the girl I’m fostering?”

“Yeah, you told me. Worried how?” Embarrassed that Jason was the one trying to help _him_ , Matt tried to brush off the concern.

“Ah, I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

“Matt. You know you can tell me anything.” Huffing a laugh at Jason throwing his own words back to him, Matt shook his head.

“Just some problems settling in is all.” In stark contrast to the timidity he’d shown at the beginning, Jason advised confidently.

“Just be yourself. She’ll realise that you’re good people eventually.” Insides warming at the sign of improved confidence, Matt joked.

“Aww shucks Jason, you’re making me blush.”

“Seriously. She’ll come around.” Jason said sincerely. Unwilling to correct Jason’s assumption that the problem was between himself and Kayla (and not Gabby), he just smiled and concentrated on catching up with all of Jason’s latest projects.

…

A few days later, Severide gave him almost the same advice.

“Just give them time. They’re probably too similar to get on too well anyway.” Matt considered that. He didn’t think Kayla was that similar to his passionate, sometimes uncompromising, wife. But then he’d always trusted Severide to see things he didn’t – it’s why they’d made such a great team on calls. Despite clashing – a lot – they both knew that the other had valuable insight and experience. Severide had only met Kayla a few times, at the firehouse and once at Matt’s when he’d come over to watch a game. Matt had noticed the two had managed a brief conversation about sports Kayla played – basketball, not hockey. Severide had nodded appreciatively before teasing Matt as he’d come back with more snacks.

“I still can’t believe you played football in high school – with your scrawny little arms.” Mock-huffing, Matt puffed up his chest.

“Scrawny? I’ll wrestle you right now!” Severide laughed.

“I wouldn’t want to embarrass you.” Matt narrowed his eyes as Severide turned to Kayla. “Back me up Kayla,” he flexed his biceps, “I would totally win, right?” Blushing, she shrugged and Matt said playfully.

“Kayla, remember who pays your allowance.” Severide scoffed.

“Oh please, I bet Scrooge McDuck here makes you sweep chimneys for it.” Matt squawked.

“Scrooge McDuck?” Kayla grinned a little, asking Severide.

“Why? You offering?” Matt chuckled and Severide assessed the teen for a moment.

“You like boats?”

“Typical!” Matt threw his hands up. “I’m not even in the CFD anymore and you’re still poaching my best people!” They’d continued joking for a while until Gabby had returned from an errand for Molly’s; her smile strained as she’d taken in the scene. She subtly signalled to talk to Matt alone.

Apparently someone at the house had complained about Kayla. Matt blinked, surprised. Whilst he hadn’t been with her every minute she’d been there, he hadn’t noticed any awkwardness or bad feelings.

“Who complained?” Gabby shook her head.

“Just…seeing as she’ll only be here temporarily, it might not be such a good idea to bring her back.” She rubbed his arm. “I don’t want you getting too attached either.” He put a hand over hers.

“As long as I have you, I can handle anything.” She kissed him in reply and dropped it.

…

August rolled around: hot and dry and perfect for BBQs and water fights. One day, Matt came back from picking Louie up from day care and Kayla wasn’t there. He’d checked on her before he’d left. At least, he thought he had. Trying to keep control of the rising panic in his chest, he double checked all the rooms, garden and his phone for messages. Nothing. No, this couldn’t be happening. He flicked through his notebook and looked at his calendar.

Still nothing. Glancing at Louie calming playing with his blocks, he blinked back tears and went to his contacts. He scrolled past Gabby; she was on a girl’s trip for a few days and Kayla wouldn’t have contacted her before him. He only had Mrs Coleman’s number and knew how bad it would sound if he rang asking if she knew where his foster daughter was. That was if he could even speak – he hadn’t tried but knew that the stress would mess up his speech.

No, he needed to calm down and think rationally. Kayla had only been gone for 30 minutes max and had left on foot; she was either going somewhere local or hadn’t even arrived to where she was going. Abruptly, he realised that he hadn’t tried calling or messaging her yet. Just managing to stop slapping himself on the forehead, he called her. It went to voicemail. At the tone, his voice box froze. Melting with shame and frustration, he managed to force out.

“Kayla, call me when you get this. Please.” Hanging up, he went to get Louie some juice and himself a glass of water. Maybe she’d received an invite from a friend and had forgotten to tell him. Come to think of it, had he ever established rules for this kind of situation? Maybe he’d never mentioned that she should tell him before leaving the house. Though she had asked him permission on other occasions. What had changed?

His therapist had often reminded him that most situations he faced now would not be life threatening. He could afford to take time to think and calm himself down. It was in the middle of the afternoon, Kayla had barely been gone and he’d only just called her. He took a long sip of water before glancing at his phone again. Nothing. Breathing in deeply, he made a deal with himself to watch one of Louie’s 10 minute cartoons with him before checking again. He lasted 3 minutes.

Nothing.

The urge to call Severide was overwhelming and only the thought of missing a call from Kayla stopped him. He settled for sending an awkward text message and then laid his phone carefully on the coffee table. A few minutes later and he got a message. Near scrambling for the phone, he saw it was from Severide.

‘She is not with me. Need help looking?’

‘No. It’s ok. Only gone 30 mins.’

‘Done at the yard. Coming over.’ Matt tapped out an insistence that he was fine but Sev just replied with.

‘I know. See you soon.’ Then another text. ‘Any of her stuff gone?’

Starting, Matt realised that he hadn’t checked. Or had he? God. What the hell was wrong with him? Glancing at Louie, who was still happily watching, he went to look. Nothing seemed to be missing, both her suitcases were still there and the wardrobe seemed full. Unless it had been a spontaneous or badly-planned decision, she probably hadn’t run away. That thought did little to calm his jumpy heart. The doorbell startled him and he rushed to the door.

It was Severide. Distantly, Matt wondered how long he’d been standing uselessly in Kayla’s room.

“You okay? Hear anything?” Matt shook his head, not trusting his voice. A strong, comforting hand came to rest on his shoulder. “Gabby heard anything?” Matt avoided his friend’s gaze.

“Haven’t asked her. They don’t…” He blew out a frustrated breath. Severide nodded.

“I get it. Do you know where she and her friends hang out?”

“No, just the…the place with the clothes.”

“The mall?” Too worked up to feel embarrassed, Matt just nodded. He felt so unprepared and neglectful that he didn’t know these things. “She probably just went out with friends. You sure she didn’t take anything? Do you keep any money in the house?” At Matt’s look he shrugged. “If I’d been living with Benny at her age, I would have at least thought about it. You said she’d been pushing back lately, this could be another test.” Matt couldn’t remember sharing his reading with Sev – maybe he’d mentioned it in passing.

“How long since you called her?” Matt checked.

“Almost an hour.”

“Okay well, let’s wait a little while longer. Then if we don’t hear anything I can hit the mall, do some scouting.” Every instinct Matt had was telling him to decline the offer, that he would take Louie and go himself, but he pushed the urge down and took a deep breath. The mental image of him running through a mall with Louie strapped to his back would have been funny if it hadn’t made him cringe really hard. Someone needed to stay home in case Kayla came back and as much as he hated leaning on Severide, the man had made a point of making sure Matt knew he could be called on for help – for anything at any time.

Severide’s support during Matt’s time in rehab over several months finally convinced him of that. His therapist had suggested that his injury and forced retirement had shifted his world view. Whilst he had previously known – intimately – how things could go wrong, people could be lost no matter how hard you tried, for the most part he’d been able to deal with Life’s shocks and still keep the core of Lieutenant Matt Casey. Without one of the pillars of his identity, he’d looked to his friends to help him find meaning again. The main friend being Sev. Unlike the other times when Matt had been steamrolled by Life – Sev had been there for him.

There for the big moments like rehab appointments, filling in paperwork and for the little ones, like sitting in front of the TV talking about nothing for hours. It was something Matt would never forget.

The afternoon passed painfully slowly. Matt left another message and Sev went to stalk all the possible teenage hangouts in the area. Practising his breathing exercises, Matt helped Louie do some colouring and then made him dinner. His phone was within reach at all times. He considered Gabby, but instantly discarded the idea. No use in distracting her from her trip. Plus, the thought of telling her, what she’d likely say, forced his stomach into knots.

Suddenly, the front door opened. Speed walking to the hall, he heaved a sigh of relief.

“Kayla!” Barely stopping on her way to the stairs, Kayla grunted a greeting. “Hey!” His call stopped her, but his brain blanked. She glanced at him, expression wavering between fearful and defiant. Sighing, he managed. “Text me next time, okay?” She eyed him as if not trusting that he wasn’t about to break into a riot act. Finally, she shrugged.

“’Kay.” And escaped up the stairs. Wiping a hand over his face, he allowed him a moment before going back to Louie.

After talking to Sev on the phone later that evening, Matt knocked on Kayla’s door. It took a long moment for her to answer.

“Yeah?”

“Can I come in?” He thought he could hear her eyes rolling but she shouted back.

“Yeah!” Tentatively, he went in. The room looked different with her things in it; it looked lived in and that brought him some happiness. Kayla was lying on the bed so Matt went to the desk chair, asking permission through gestures. She shrugged, phone still in hand. He settled gingerly into the chair and resisted the urge to pat his note pad in his pocket – where he’d written what he wanted to say, just in case. He’d already practised on Sev – who had played the part of a belligerent teenage girl pretty well.

“I don’t know if I’ve said it before, but can you please tell me your plans before you leave the house?”

“I was just with Lauren-” Matt held up a hand.

“I’m not accusing you of anything. I just want to make this clear for the future. I am responsible for you. That means your safety and well-being are my job. I can’t take care of you-”

“I don’t want you to!” She burst out. He sat back a little, surprised. “I can take of myself just fine! I’m not some dumb kid who’ll run into traffic or OD in an alley!” Breathing deeply, he said carefully.

“I’m not saying that you are: you are a smart, capable person. But for some things you still need an adult, like…” His mind froze. She snorted and glanced back at her phone. “Bills.” He managed, biting back the frustration as she continued to ignore him. “Kayla-”

“I get it. I’ll let you know before I leave, okay?” Not happy with her tone but unwilling to sour her mood any more, Matt nodded.

“Thank you.” He opened his mouth to say more but then reconsidered and closed it again. Arguing with Gabby had taught him when to back down and regroup.

…

Things eased between them a little as Matt resolutely kept up his cheery welcomes and clear gazes. Kayla quickly realised that he wasn’t a grudge-holder and relaxed. Since then she’d been begrudgingly compliant – telling him either the day before or texting if he was out and it was last minute. In acknowledgement of her good behaviour, Matt had slipped some extra notes in her monthly allowance.

Gabby returned and the tension went back to normal, which disappointed Matt as he’d been hoping her relaxing trip would have softened the friction between her and Kayla. He only felt a little guilty about not telling her of Kayla’s unscheduled day out.

One day, he found Kayla moping around in the living room.

“Not meeting Lauren today?” Sighing, she explained mournfully.

“She’s in Bali with her family.” He nodded in understanding and paused.

“Well, Gabby’s taken Louie to meet her brother’s kids so I was going to help Sev at the boat yard. You could tag along? Get some fresh air.”

“By a stinky lake?”

“I think in summer there’s a sailing club or something, might be some kids your own age.” She sighed again but he could tell that she was considering it. “If you come then we can go to that fancy Italian place on the way home. Get some take-out for dinner.”

“Fine.” She stood up and went to her room.

“Sturdy shoes, please!” He called after her.

Severide smiled widely on seeing them.

“Hanging out with the olds today?” Kayla shrugged.

“I was promised Alfredo’s.” He laughed and exchanged a knowing look with Matt. There were other teens around but Kayla stayed and helped sand the boat. Matt noticed her blush as Sev leaned over to show her how to hold the sander properly – he smiled to himself and said nothing.

They all spent a pleasant day working and bantering – Kayla coming out of her shell as she always did when Sev was around. Matt told himself that was the main reason he had for finding excuses to hang out with his friend more than normal. It seemed that the man was good for both of them. He remembered belatedly to tell Gabby where they both were for when she came home and offered to bring some food back. She called him soon after he sent the message.

“Hey, are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Don’t worry, Sev’s taking good care of us. How’s Louie’s initiation into the Dawson family going?” He moved away down the pier a little, listening to her proudly tell him about Louie taking a liking to Diego and her mother melting all over him. He closed his eyes and saw her excited face in his mind. Shoulders relaxing, he breathed in deeply.

“Matt?” Starting, he coughed.

“Sorry, just got lost in your voice. I miss you.” He heard her sigh from the other end.

“I miss you too.”

“When was the last time we had a date night?”

“Too long. I could ask my mom to take Louie for a night.”

“And I’m sure Sev could look after Kayla.”

“Seriously?”

“What? They’ve hit it off.” He turned back to see the pair with their heads bent together. “I guess he’s cooler than me or something.” Gabby snorted.

“Like that’s hard.” Matt mock-gasped.

“Don’t hold back Gabby, tell me what you really think.” She was laughing and memories of them joking around the firehouse came back to him in a flood. They wrapped it up and he went back. Severide asked casually.

“Everything okay?” Matt smiled in reply. Sev nodded and began telling Kayla about a recent call involving some internet celebrity. When Kayla went to wash her hands at the end of the day, Matt asked Sev if he’d be willing to babysit her. His friend hesitated before nodding.

“Sure, you guys deserve a break.”

“Are you sure? We can wait until her friend is back and they can have a…”

“No, it’s okay. She’s a good kid.” Pleased that Sev thought so too, Matt smiled brightly at him.

“Thanks.”

“How soon were you thinking?”

“Not sure, depends on when Gabby’s mom can take Louie. In the next few weeks I guess.”

“’Kay. Well, let me know.” On the drive to the restaurant, Matt floated the idea to Kayla. She shrugged but her cheeks went a little red. Taking a chance, Matt asked lowly.

“Can I tell you a secret?” She looked wary but nodded. “Swear you’ll never tell anyone.”

“Depends what it is.” Matt smiled.

“Nothing bad, just kinda embarrassing. If the boys at 51 found out, I’d never live it down.”

“Sure.” She replied casually – though he could tell that she was a little interested. He said matter-of-factly.

“When I first met Kelly, I had a huge crush on him.” At that Kayla turned in her seat, eyes wide.

“No way.”

“Way. I was 18 and he was…” He started to blush under her incredulous gaze but kept going. “Well, he hasn’t changed much in the looks department, let’s just say that.” Completely shedding any shyness or reticence under the sheer force of her curiosity, Kayla asked.

“Did you two…?” Catching her meaning, he huffed a laugh.

“No, I didn’t have the guts to tell him. I mean…” He hesitated, wondering how much to reveal. In the end, he settled for a small piece of the truth. “I didn’t have many friends growing up, so when I met Kelly and Andy at the Academy, I didn’t want to lose them. Anyway, you probably haven’t known him long enough but Kelly isn’t exactly unpopular with the ladies.”

“And now?”

“And now we’ve been friends for almost 18 years. Once I really got to know him, trust him, stopped blushing every time I saw him, he just became Severide, my best friend.” Kayla nodded, going quiet as she processed it. After a while she asked.

“How do you know the difference between, say a ‘man crush’ and an actual crush? I mean, are you…?”

“I’ve never really sat down and thought about it. Apart from a terrible, terrible kiss with Hank Petrov in high school, I’ve only ever been with women. Never met a guy I liked enough to ask out.” The ‘except for Kelly’ went unsaid but was understood. They pulled into the restaurant parking lot and he said. “Everyone you meet will make you feel something, all a little different, you just need to figure out what flavour of love or attraction and take it from there.”

“Okay, but how?” He almost laughed.

“Sorry, there’s no manual: just experience. Ergo, spend more time with them and it should become clear.”

“Should?”

“Hey, no one’s expecting you to have anything figured out yet. I know sometimes high school feels like the whole world and any…” His mind blanked so he changed course, frustrated. “I promise you that there is life after ripping your football pants during a semi-final game.” She quirked an eyebrow and he waved a hand. “Just replace football pants with…whatever is relevant to you.” Although she didn’t say anything in response, he could see that she was thinking about it.

Date night went well; having dinner, all dressed up and fancy felt like slipping into a warm bath. Gabby was sparkling and they laughed a lot. As he was more relaxed than normal, his aphasia wasn’t that bad and Gabby’s face didn’t crease during his pauses like it normally did. With both kids out of the house, they had sex for the first time in a long time. It was hot and intense and Matt fell asleep that night feeling hopeful.


	6. Hola

September 2016

Kayla’s school called him three weeks into the next term. He pulled up and parked carefully: repeating the parking procedure over and over, glancing multiple times in all his mirrors until he was safely in a space. After turning off the ignition, he put his keys firmly in his jean pocket, muttering to himself where he’d put them. Patting his inner jacket pocket where he kept his notebook, Matt took in a deep breath. He checked that he had a pen and closed his eyes, trying to remember the scenarios he had planned for on the journey over. Having wasted enough time psyching himself up, he got out and marched into Reception.

Kayla avoided eye contact as he walked past into the office and he braced himself as he shook the man’s hand. The Head of Freshman Year was sympathetic to Kayla’s difficult circumstances but also cautionary.

“Earning a suspension in the first semester does not bode well for the rest of the year. At all.” _No shit._ Matt thought, trying not to let it show on his face. As far as he was concerned, there was some trouble between Kayla and one of the teachers. Apparently she’d cursed in class and shown disrespect. Not sure where this outburst had come from – as she’d been relatively well behaved before summer – and eager to hear Kayla’s side, he agreed to deal with her on his end as well.

When they got outside, Matt checked the time. Past lunch.

“Have you eaten?” Kayla huffed and mumbled.

“Still got my sandwich.” Matt looked at her a long moment, considering. He got out his notepad, jotted something down and then began muttering to himself as he led her to the truck. She trailed after him and didn’t say anything as they buckled in and he pulled away. She didn’t even notice they weren’t on the way home until he pulled into the Five Guys parking lot. In her usual fashion, Kayla just shot him a questioning look before following him in without a word.

Matt liked Five Guys because they had a handy card with all the ingredients’ names on it so the likelihood of him embarrassing himself were significantly lower. It had the added bonus of everyone else liking it so he never got any complaints when he took anyone there. He and Kayla ordered and waited in silence for their orders: Matt people watching and Kayla on her phone. When it was their turn, he collected the bags and they sat down in a corner booth. He ate some of his burger and let her pick at her food for a while before beginning.

“Kayla.” She looked up from her phone and after assessing his expression, sighed heavily and put it down. “What happened?”

“She’s just a-” Kayla reconsidered her next words after seeing Matt’s eyebrow rising. “She’s got it out for me! I didn’t _do_ anything!”

“Okay, I wasn’t there so I believe you didn’t mean to disrespect her-”

“I didn’t!”

“Kayla.” Her pouting gave way to a disgruntled huff. At her silent admission of maybe a little responsibility, he started carefully. “You have more to deal with than most kids and they have it hard enough, trying to figure out what kind of person they’re gonna be. Part of that is figuring out how to deal with other people. Some are decent, kind people and some are assholes. I’ve met a lot of them I wished I could punch.” Her face was disbelieving but he powered through. “Point is, learning how to work with people you can’t stand is an important life skill.”

“Whatever.”

“My advice: apologise for whatever you did or not do and take the high road. Is there something specific she does that upsets you?”

“Everything.”

“Okay. Well, if you like I can teach you some breathing exercises, help control your temper.” At her look, he explained matter-of-factly. “After my injury, I used to have panic attacks. The right breathing exercise calmed me right down.” Looking surprised but then thinking about it, Kayla ended up shrugging.

“Yeah, maybe.” Happy with the tentative agreement, Matt went back to his burger and let her go back to her phone in peace.

…

A month later and Kayla hadn’t been in trouble at school once. She had suffered through Matt’s not-quite-expert tutelage with no grace at all, but she’d put the effort in and reluctantly reported that she was feeling more in control when in that teacher’s class.

“She doesn’t have to be such a smug…” Kayla had begun once, before sighing and smiling fake-cheerily. “Nothing.” Matt, having defended her against a sceptical Gabby, was immensely proud and tried to give her non-patronising ‘well done’s every so often. Her eye-rolling told him he wasn’t being very subtle, but he was sharp enough to see it secretly pleased her. Things were balanced, so naturally Life found a way to wreck that.

Tina asked if they could take another kid. The tension ramped up again. This time she contacted them together, Mat having requested this after the contention last time. Gabby walked in to the meeting with her arms folded and didn’t unwind through Tina’s opening introduction and explanation of who Carmen Diaz was and why she needed their help. Carmen’s mother had been involved in a road accident and required extensive surgery. The 7-year old’s only other family was her infirm grandfather so the hospital called child services.

Gabby’s first question was: what about Louie?

“What would happen to our chance of adopting him be if we were looking after two other kids?” Matt, having never heard of her wish to adopt Louie, tried to hide his surprise. From Tina’s expression, he hadn’t done so well. She reassured them that Carmen being of school age would mean that they’d still have enough time to be with Louie. Carmen hadn’t shown any behavioural problems and only needed to be housed until her mother recovered enough to take her back – the full recovery was estimated between 9-12 months. Gabby glared at Matt.

“Don’t give me the puppy dog eyes!” Unaware that he’d been putting on a look, Matt tried to school his face.

“I have the time-”

“You’re barely doing any time in your business-”

“That’s why I hired staff: something you suggested.” Sighing, she turned to Tina.

“If it affects Louie in _any_ way…”

“Of course if there are any problems we can revisit the arrangements.”

“You owe me some dinners for this.” Gabby warned Matt not-quite-jokingly. He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

After _all_ the paperwork ever, Matt went home and told Kayla. She didn’t look thrilled at another kid coming to stay but didn’t voice any opinion.

“You know if you have any questions or-” he sighed, “you can talk to me. No judgement. Promise.”

“Whatever.” Matt spent the next day preparing Carmen’s room: the one next to Louie’s. He was nervous that evening at dinner – as he was going to pick her up the next day. He kept on checking his notepad to see if he’d written everything down.

“Matt.” He looked up at Gabby, taking a second to read her expression.

“I just-” He started but she interrupted him with a smile.

“It’ll be fine.” She leant over and squeezed his wrist. Sighing, he laid the notepad down. “Just be yourself.” Her hand migrated to the back of his neck. She squeezed it reassuringly and kissed his cheek. He smiled and ignored Kayla’s fake-sick expression.

...

Carmen was a cute kid. Small and thin, she had beautiful, long hair and big brown eyes that gave Louie’s a run for their money. When Matt first saw her, she was hiding behind her caseworker, Susie’s legs. Sharing a smile with her, Mat knelt down and called softly.

“Hey, Carmen, right?” An eye peered at him and after a long moment he saw her nodding. “I’m Matt. Soy Matt.” He’d been taking online Spanish classes and practising with Gabby when he could – mock-pouting when she’d wince at his terrible accent. He showed Carmen the stuffed cat Louie never played with. “¿Te gustan los gatos?” After a long moment, a little more of Carmen appeared from behind her caseworker. She was assessing the toy and Matt critically. Eventually, she showed him her own plushie – a worn looking elephant. Matt smiled enthusiastically. “Who’s that? ¿Quien es?”

“Fonti.” Came the shy reply. Delighted that she was at least engaging, Matt replied, keeping his voice gentle.

“Hola Fonti! Soy Matt. This is Tabby.” He raised the pitch of his voice. “Hello Fonti! Hello Carmen!” and he made the cat’s arm wave. Looking a little more relaxed, Carmen did the same with Fonti’s arm.

“Hola.” She replied politely.

“You want to play with us?” Carmen looked up at Susie who smiled encouragingly. Carmen blinked and nodded. They moved to the play area in the office and played for a bit. Carmen was still wary but quickly grew used to the strange man with the cat toy. After a while, Susie got Carmen’s coat and things and told her she was going to live with Matt and his family. This made Carmen visibly anxious and Matt rushed to reassure her that Fonti would be coming as well.

“You both have a nice new room where you can play.” Still looking unhappy but not openly protesting, Carmen let herself be dressed for the cool autumn day. They put her in the back of Gabby’s car with Fonti and Tabby, Susie following behind. At some stop lights, Matt couldn’t help glancing back at Carmen who hadn’t uncurled from herself since getting in the car.

When they arrived and all got out, he must have looked worried because Susie had said reassuringly.

“Lots of patience. She’ll come around.”

“I hope so.” Matt re-joined quietly, smiling as he saw Carmen peeking at him. He took her things and lead her into the house, speaking in soothing tones as her wide eyes took it all in.

On seeing her room, Carmen began to cry. Matt was alarmed but Susie shook her head.

“She’s easily overwhelmed. You should probably take over, get her used to you.” She said over Carmen’s increasingly loud sobs. Skin itching with anxiety and heart twisting itself at her distress, Matt sat down beside her on the bed. She shrunk away from him and pain lanced in his chest. Resolving not to let her see his panic, he set Tabby in the middle of them and proceeded to do a terrible impression of purring. The sound alarmed her for a moment – her little head shooting up – but after she realised it was just him and Tabby, she giggled wetly. Encouraged, Matt butted Tabby’s head against Fonti, continuing the cat’s ‘purring’. Carmen sniffed and made the two animals hug. Relinquishing his hold of Tabby, Matt watched her take over for a moment before digging out some tissues.

He helped Carmen wipe her face and then Susie was looking at her watch and saying goodbye. Carmen’s eyes welled but she managed to keep from crying again. They all went downstairs, Susie hugging Carmen one last time before leaving. Matt got the little girl a juice and sat next to her in front of the TV, messaging Gabby.

‘Only a few tears so far.’ She sent back a sad face and Matt took a moment to remember where she was. She wasn’t on shift and Louie was in day care. He checked his calendar but hadn’t written anything – nothing in his notebook either. Damn. He hated asking Gabby things like that. Wincing, he tried casually.

‘Am I picking up Louie later?’ As he waited for her reply, he tried engaging Carmen a little, asking her about school and where Fonti was from.

“Mama.” She answered and told him about her favourite teacher and music class.

‘No. I’m going after I’m done here.’ At least it was confirmed that poor Louie wouldn’t be abandoned, though Matt would have been a whole lot more comfortable if he could remember where Gabby was and what she was doing. Maybe she’d tell him later.

So he concentrated on Carmen, making sure she was comfortable and relaxed at least until the others arrived back. They were playing a strange version of snap when Kayla arrived, strolling in and almost going straight past the living room. Matt managed to catch her and introduce them; Carmen wary, Kayla seeming ambivalent but Matt knew her better. Even though her mom was close to finishing rehab, she’d still need to clear Anaya’s requirements to be legally responsible for her so Kayla’s stay with Matt could be extended an unknown amount of time.

“I forgot to ask: ¿hablas español?” Kayla shrugged.

“Do it at school.”

“Okay well good, because mine is terrible. Tabby habla mejor que mi.” He said to Carmen, who looked a little less wary. Lips pursed like she was suppressing a smile, Kayla shed her school bag and sat next to Carmen. She introduced herself properly in Spanish and managed to get Carmen to explain the game she and Matt were playing. Matt hadn’t even been aware of any extra rules, which, he supposed, had been why Carmen had been tutting at him so much. Kayla helped her clarify the game and Matt asked not-quite-jokingly.

“You got time for a round?” Kayla smiled and shook her head.

“Sorry, Trig.” Matt winced.

“Let me know if you need any help, yeah?” Kayla looked meaningfully at the cards and Matt laughed. “After Carmen takes me to the cleaners of course.” As Kayla was grinning back at him, the front door opened and closed again. Gabby came in, Louie on her hip, and took in the scene. Matt smiled and said more confidently than he felt.

“Carmen, this is Gabby: el amor de mi vida.” Gabby smiled down at Carmen, seemingly melting at the girl’s shyness.

“Hola pequeñita, y eso es Louie, nuestro hijo.” Carmen and Louie eyed each other for a moment and then Louie looked back up at Gabby and Matt, as if the ask ‘now what?’

The age difference limited them somewhat in shared activities, but Matt was fairly sure Louie knew how to play snap. He tried to set up a game but couldn’t hold either of their attentions long enough and in the end, took Louie for a nap as Gabby offered to watch Carmen.

Matt got everyone to sit down for dinner a bit earlier that night so Carmen could get acclimatised. They spoke with a mixture of English and Spanish and everyone seemed on their best behaviour. Kayla showing the minimum amount of table manners and Gabby not making any inference that she’d fought against the girls being there.

Things went well for a few weeks, Carmen settled and became more confident and chatty during the day. Though at night she often had nightmares and wet the bed. Matt was used to getting up at random times in the night so took it in stride, making sure he never snapped at her and always spoke softly and with understanding.

Their makeshift family managed a nice Thanksgiving dinner. Kayla’s mom had been discharged from rehab but Anaya wanted her to show she could look after herself properly before releasing her daughter to her full time care. Matt took Kayla to visit her a few times and Kayla and her mom had eaten a stripped down dinner the day before. When he’d picked Kayla up, he’d been struck by her mother’s expression. Her love for her daughter was obvious, but her gaze had been clouded with guilt and something else. He’d made a note of it and taken a mental picture to dissect later.

Meanwhile, Carmen’s mother was recovering well, though it would be a while before she’d be discharged. Matt took her to visit once a week and tried to avert his eyes from the scars and lingering bruises – as well as her evident frustration at being unable to perform basic tasks for herself. The doctors were optimistic about her regaining full-function after the casts and stitched could be removed but being unable to hug her daughter weighed heavily on her. Once, whilst Carmen was distracted, she’d muttered a sincere, if shamed, ‘gracias’. Matt wasn’t particularly religious but he knew that she was, especially as he also took Carmen to church every Sunday, so he’d said haltingly.

“Todos somos niños de Dios.” Eyes misting, she’d nodded and seemed more at peace with the idea of him taking care of her daughter. Carmen improved at night, though Matt still kept her in nighttime diapers until Christmas rolled around.

As it would be Louie’s first proper Christmas, Gabby was pulling out all the stops – her goodwill even extending to the girls. Louie and Carmen spent many afternoons writing and drawing letters to Santa, as well as making decorations. Matt gave Kayla a Christmas bonus on her allowance and asked her what she wanted.

“I didn’t know what teen girls wanted even when I was one.” He frowned at Kayla’s smirk until he realised what he’d said. Flapping the dish cloth at her, he laughed. “You knew what I meant!”

“I didn’t say anything.” Eventually she answered his question and thus he finished his present list. Then he said.

“Hey, let me know if you need any more money. I don’t know how expensive your friends’ tastes are.” Smile softening, she’d thanked him and then asked what he wanted. He was genuinely surprised. “Me? Uh…you don’t have to get me anything.”

“Oh God, you’re going to be impossible, aren’t you?”

“Who’s impossible?” Gabby asked curiously as she walked in. Kayla’s smile dimmed and she just pointed at Matt. Eager to get them united on something, he asked mock-imploringly.

“Gabby, tell Kayla that I am not impossible to buy a present for.” Gabby laughed.

“Oh baby, you are the _worst_.” He looked between them, mock-offended but secretly delighted that they shared a look.

“I already gave you some perfectly reasonable suggestions.”

“Yeah, socks and a new ledger for he business.” Kayla snorted and Matt played along.

“What? I need them. You want me to make a ridiculous, impractical request?”

“Yeah duh, it’s Christmas.” Kayla beat Gabby to it and earned herself a nod from his teasing wife. Heart overflowing, Matt blurted out.

“But I already have everything I want.” Expression softening, Gabby awed and leaned up to kiss his cheek.

“Oh baby, you’re such a cornball. You could give Chout a run for his money.”

“Who…oh! The EMT? No!” Wincing at the comparison, Matt said in an aside to Kayla. “Lies and slander. I am nothing like Mr Sunshine and Roses.” Gabby mouthed ‘he is’ really obviously and Matt laughed. Then Gabby turned to Kayla.

“Hey, you done your Christmas shopping yet?” Seeming off-balanced by the question, Kayla replied warily.

“No, going this weekend.”

“Oh cool, well me and Eva are going to the mall on Saturday is you want to join.” Both Matt and Kayla were surprised by the offer – Gabby had never suggested Kayla spend any time with her extended family.

“Uh, I had plans with a friend but, thanks.” Gabby smiled, kissed Matt on the lips and said.

“Be back later. Not sure when, go ahead for dinner.”

“’Kay. Be safe.”

“I’m just meeting the girls-” At his look she grinned sheepishly and only saluted as he called after her.

“That’s what I’m afraid of!” After she left, he caught Kayla looking at him a little funny.

“What? Something on my face?” She just shook her head.

Matt had a busier-than-usual Christmas; bussing the kids to visit their various families. Kayla stayed with her mom for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, as a trial to see how her mom coped. She came back seeming troubled, worrying Matt to no end. He tried to ask if anything had happened but as normal, Kayla just shrugged his concerns off. Noting down to check in with Anaya, Matt focused on acting like there was no rush for Kayla to leave; mentioning future plans and including her in them.

This strategy didn’t seem to be working but Matt didn’t have the opportunity to think of another one before Louie’s father appeared out of nowhere and tipped their world upside down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes in Spanish are Matt's :P


	7. The Price of Love

In the end, Gabby was right: they had to let Louie go. He would be well-loved and cared for with Andre and his family – fighting to keep him would only end up hurting everyone. So Matt called Kayla and Carmen together to explain that Louie would be going back to his biological dad and they were having a special dinner to say goodbye. Carmen cried, Matt’s own eyes burning as he tried to comfort her, Kayla looked sad but didn’t say anything.

The next day Louie went with his father and as Gabby walked away from him, a huge sense of dread settled itself in Matt’s stomach.

..

Kayla woke at stupid o’clock with a full bladder. Groaning, she hauled herself out of bed and sleepily made her way through the dark hallway. Once she was done and washing her hands, she heard voices from outside. Curious, she went to the window and looked down, seeing light coming from the kitchen. Straining, she saw two figures sitting on the back steps, smoke coming from…Matt and Kelly were smoking?

That snapped her awake. She couldn’t hear what they were saying so she painfully inched the window open.

“…takes time.” She caught the end of Kelly’s sentence. Matt sighed, took another hit and replied sadly.

“Yeah. I just…I get scared when she shuts me out. I don’t know what’s going on inside her head.” Kelly huffed a laugh, pulling Matt’s focus. “What?”

“Like you can talk.”

“Hey.” Matt sounded annoyed. “I know I’m not Mr Sensitive, but I always make an effort to share.” He hesitated, then went on. “At least I did with Hallie.” Kelly sobered at that and waited a moment before asking lowly.

“How long’s it been?” Matt replied automatically, like he’d been thinking about it a lot.

“Four years in May.”

“Jesus.” Kelly exclaimed and shook his head. Matt started talking as if halfway through a sentence.

“And I love Gabby with all my heart, but it still hurts, you know.” He looked down before going on. “Spoke to her mom a couple of months back on her birthday. We always call to talk, keep in touch.”

“How is Cheryl?”

“Okay. She’s still got Jerry and Marcus and the grandkids so…” There was a long stretch of silence. Kayla took the time to process what she’d heard. Matt had been with someone a while ago and…she’d died? Or disappeared or lost contact or something. It was weird to picture Matt’s life before he’d started fostering her; a life before HRH Gabriela, before he’d had an accident which had forced him into retirement…

“The worst thing is not being sure how much I’ve forgotten.” Matt continued. Kelly just looked at him, letting him talk it through. “I can talk about her with family and look at pictures and cherish the memories I do have but-” He cut off and Kayla recognised the strange choked sound he sometimes made when he was _really_ stressed or emotional – when the words just wouldn’t come. Kelly said firmly.

“You know better than I do that all she wants for you is to be happy. She is looking down and she is so proud of you. Life knocks you down again and again and you just get up and keep doing what’s right.” He put a hand on Matt’s shoulder, voice becoming more and more insistent. “Those kids in there are so damn lucky and the next ones will be too.” Someone sniffed and Kayla’s stomach swooped as she realised that Matt was crying. Feeling guilty for witnessing the vulnerable moment, she closed the window carefully and snuck back to her room. She lay in bed and considered all she knew about this man who’d taken her in.

Her first impression had been of a friendly, suburban guy who had a weird way of speaking; it was at a slow pace and went a little awkward. In all, he seemed harmless. She and her friends had joked about serial killers or crossdressers before she’d gone to live with him, but actually being in the house she’d become paranoid. Luckily after some snooping around she confirmed the harmlessness.

As she’d got to know him, she’d seen the selflessness and quiet strength, cheeky humour and when relaxed and among friends, he came alive. She could see why they all loved him. Lying in her bed, she wondered how the accident might have changed him. Gabbitch certainly treated him like he was brain damaged sometimes, but Kelly always spoke to him like normal, waiting out any pauses with no annoyance or sympathy. He’d tease him as well, but there was an undercurrent of deep respect between them.

When Louie had gone back to his father, Kelly had started coming over a lot more, often just hanging out for dinner when not on shift. Matt tried to hide it, but he’d been devastated by the loss. Supporting and comforting Gabby whilst still looking after Kayla and Carmen had taken its toll on him. Kelly’s presence seemed to help him; he would tell Kelly how worried he was about Gabby and Kelly would gently remind him that she had the best support system (her husband, family and 51 family). Kelly would remind his friend to look after himself as well.

Kelly had taken Kayla aside a few days after it had happened and asked her to keep an eye on Matt.

“I hate to ask you, but I need to know if he stops eating, sleeping…” He looked mournful. “Since I don’t see him every day anymore. The stubborn SOB would kick up a fuss if I keep inviting myself over all the time.” Kayla muttered under her breath.

“More like the bitch would.” Kelly pretended not to hear that, instead nodding when she said more loudly. “I’ll look out for him.”

“Thanks, Kayla.” Despite the situation, she preened a little.

So Kayla paid special attention to Matt over the following weeks – assessing his energy levels and bags under his eyes, noticing how much he ate, how much he forgot and the pace of his speech. Once or twice, she didn’t have homework or plans so she offered to watch Carmen in the afternoon or weekend mornings so Matt could get some more sleep. He’d initially refuse until she’d lie and tell him that she’d heard him pacing the night before. It was often true so he would fold and say.

“Just an hour.” Then he’d go and collapse as Kayla tried not to like the cute little kid so much.

About a month after Louie left and Matt had mostly returned to normal, Gabby had stopped moping and was in full Hellfire mode over some dick reassigning everyone at 51. As she was ranting at dinner one night, Matt nodded in sympathetic anger and mentioned some ideas to help but Gabby shot them down.

“Thanks, but we’ll deal with it.”

 _Bet you will._ Kayla had thought meanly. At least Kelly listened to Matt, though he had seemed a little distracted the last time she’d seen him. Anyway, the trouble at the house was resolved and things returned to normal.

…

Kayla’s world was falling down. The first sign had been overhearing Matt and Gabby arguing over fostering. It had sounded like an old argument: Gabby wanting to cut back, even stop it, and Matt insisting that he had to do more, there were still children they could help. Carmen’s mother was predicted to be cleared to take her back in the next month and Kayla’s mother had been clean for a couple of months out of the programme so she was surely about to be cleared any day. In fact, her caseworker had been scheduled to visit her the week after the argument, so Kayla hadn’t been worried about precious Gabby winning the fight. Angry on Matt’s behalf of course, but not worried.

Until she’d gotten the call.

Her mom hadn’t turned up for the meeting with Anaya. After she hadn’t responded to calls or texts for 24 hours, the firefighters broke down her door to perform a wellness check and found her things gone. The only thing left of value was a note for Kayla. She stopped reading after ‘I’m so sorry’. Anaya had tried to talk to her but she’d just left the building, left the street, gone somewhere.

She walked and walked, not wanting to talk to anyone. Her phone kept buzzing so she turned it off. Her mind was whirling and she felt sick with all the thoughts and doubts in her head. Matt cared about her, asked about her day, seeing if she needed help with anything – even though he was clearly out of his depth with teenage girl stuff. He was trying. Why didn’t her mom feel the same way? Why couldn’t she just try?

Then some detective had rolled up and asked her why she was out so late alone. He hadn’t bought her impromptu excuse and so told her to get in; he was taking her home.

“How do I know you’re not some pyscho with a fake badge?” He just raised his eyebrow and said.

“I can call this in if you like, get you all booked and everything.” He picked up his radio. “Sure your parents would be glad to-” Scowling, she interrupted and got in.

“Whatever.” There were enough voices on the radio that he was probably legit. In any case, she turned on her phone again, though she couldn’t bring herself to look at any of the messages.

“So what are you doing out here anyway?” She could tell him about her deadbeat mom who gave up on her. She could tell him about the woman who was meant to love her more than anything instead running away. She could tell him about the hole in her chest, about how it felt like it would swallow her whole if she let up for a second. Instead, she muttered.

“Foster parents were fighting.” He glanced at her.

“It get physical?”

“No. Just my foster mom being a bitch as usual.” The cop just hummed, not pushing but signalling that he was listening. She was reminded of Matt, which made her go on. “My foster dad is…he’s a square but he really looks after us.” The cop didn’t say anything and suddenly it was all pouring out of her. “He deserves better than her. He’s always so respectful of everyone, even people he really doesn’t like and he’s always taking care of everyone else. Never wants anything for himself.” She huffed, angry at Gabbitch all over again. “He’s got memory problems, some injury at work or something, so sometimes he sounds a little slow but he’s not. And she always makes fun of him when they argue. It’s sick.” The cop frowned but didn’t interrupt. “She wants him to stop fostering, wants to kick me out-” Her throat closed up and she swallowed harshly, looking pointedly out of the window. After a beat, he said reassuringly.

“I’m sure no one is kicking you out. You got a caseworker, right? Brought this up with them?” Kayla sighed and pulled herself together.

“She’s always so busy. It’s… I’ll be fine either way.” The cop didn’t comment on that.

They pulled into her street and she told him the number. He hesitated minutely, before driving on. Hoping no one was looking out of their windows, Kayla hopped out sharpish when they stopped, beating the cop up the front steps. The door opened and Matt breathed a huge sigh of relief.

“Kayla!” Looking like he wanted to hug her but holding back, he tapped the door frame instead. “Are you alright? I was so worried.” Feeling guilty, she shrugged and moved past him. Matt looked up and saw the cop. “Antonio, thank you so much.” They bro-hugged. “Where did you find her?” _Shit. They know each other? Figures, Matt probably knows half the cops in the city._ Antonio shrugged.

“Around. You got a sec?” Matt looked between them before agreeing.

“Sure.” He turned to Kayla, stern now. “You got 15 to grab some…food and then I want you in bed. We’ll talk in the morning.” He looked tired and stressed and Kayla couldn’t muster up any words, just nodding. In the kitchen, she left the Tupperware and instead grabbed a banana. She ate it standing over the bin, half-trying to listen in to the conversation at the front door and half-avoiding overhearing. Antonio was saying about her mention of fighting and Matt was dodging the inherent question, trying to shrug off the concern. Then the cop was saying: “…I know what my sister can be like...”

Shit.

Shitshitshitshit! Why did these things always happen to her? _That_ was Louie’s Uncle Antonio! Shit!

Lost in thought, she didn’t realise that Matt had finished his conversation with the cop until he was standing in front of her. She swallowed the last bit of banana and then froze, not knowing what to do. Seeing her, Matt sighed. It was a complicated one, with many tangled emotions in it.

“First off, I want to say how glad I am that you’re safe.” He looked guilty. “Not sure I made that clear earlier.” Kayla swallowed and shrugged. “And I heard about your mom. I’m so sorry Kayla.” Eyes stinging, she shrugged again and berated herself internally for becoming a kicked puppy.

“Whatever.” She forced out. God bless Matt, he didn’t call out her bullshit, instead going on.

“I understand that you needed time to process, but please, please,” his voice cracked and he visibly struggled for a second before he managed, “just text me before you disappear?” The fact that she’d near given him a heart attack was clear in his tone, in his worried blue eyes. Feeling horrible, Kayla murmured.

“’Kay.” She tried not to break down at his watery smile back.

“So,” he coughed and went on, a little more business-like, “I know your caseworker will want to talk to you about long-term plans-” Unable to hear his regretful confession that he was stopping fostering, she interrupted with something she’d been thinking about.

“Can’t I like, be my own parent?” Matt frowned, trying to remember the word.

“Emancipation?” Kayla nodded cautiously. Matt considered it. “That is an option. You’re certainly responsible enough, though you’d need more knowledge on taxes, jobs that kind of thing.” She unmoved enough to throw away the banana skin and turned back to see him nodding slowly. “We can ask Anaya about it, if that’s really what you want.” Well, at least she’d have an advocate in Matt. Perhaps being on her own really would be bes- “If it helps, I’d be more than happy for you to stay here.” He quirked a smile and she couldn’t help her surprise.

“But I thought…” he frowned and she continued quietly, “that you were going to stop. Fostering I mean.” Expression clearing as he realised where she’d gotten that idea, he shook his head.

“No way.” He sighed. “It’s one of the things Gabby and me might never see eye to eye about, but I will always keep my home open to kids who need it.” His resolution was comforting. Without a doubt, she knew that he would never fold on that issue; it was part of his core. Whilst she was processing it, he smiled and joked gently. “What’d you say? You’d only need to put up with me for another two years.”

It was too much. Like a dam breaking, Kayla sobbed and threw her arms around him. Startled, he took a moment before reciprocating, rubbing her back soothingly. It had been a long time since anyone had held her like this. Sure she hugged her friends and had embraced her mom a few times since rehab, but this was different. She felt safe in his arms, protected from the harshness of her life – and weirdly, from the harshness of his. Encased in his warmth and gentle voice, she felt his inner strength like never before. The strength which kept him going through all the shit that had been thrown his way. Sharing his home, being part of his life, was more than just getting a warm meal and roof over her head – it was being protected yet strengthened, supported and enveloped in respect and love and care. Matt cared about her as a person and he would do all he could for her just for that reason. Kayla was many things, but she wasn’t a fool. Finally, she recovered enough to murmur quietly.

“You’d really let me stay?”

“Of course.” He replied firmly, before joking. “But only till you’re 30, then you have to move out.” She chuckled wetly and he huffed a mock-sigh. “Okay then, 35, but that’s the limit.” She hugged him tighter.

“Thanks, Matt.” Voice warm as the sun, he replied.

“Anytime, kid.”


	8. Sam

Sometimes Matt thought that the day Kayla had run away had been a terrible/wonderful dream. The hours in which she was missing had been like a living Hell, imagining increasingly dire scenarios in which she’d been hurt or worse, hurt herself; but having that frank conversation and deciding that she’d stay with him – had made him so happy. They’d spoken to Anaya the next day together, Matt insisting that Kayla be involved in the decision making for her future.

He’d managed to avoid Antonio’s questions, though he could tell from his brother-in-law’s expression that he wasn’t appeased. Matt wanted to ask Kayla what she’d said to him but in the end decided to let sleeping dogs lie. Antonio might circle around for another enquiry, but Matt didn’t want to borrow trouble.

He had enough on his plate as it was: Gabby was not happy with the decision to house Kayla with them permanently. She argued that she should have been consulted before it had been finalised and whilst part of Matt did agree with that in principal, he was done arguing the point.

“Gabby, I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve wanted kids for a long time and since we can’t…” He swallowed and finished. “Fostering kids is always going to be part of my life.”

“I can’t believe you think you can make this decision without me.” Patience lost, Matt finally voiced the thought which had been circling around his head for months.

“I don’t understand why Louie is the only kid you could ever consider fostering-”

“He was our second chance!” She shouted, shocking Matt into silence. Breathing heavily, she swallowed and went on more calmly, voice wavering. “After… I just felt so empty…all the time. Then I found him and it was like a sign.” Matt closed his eyes under the echoing grief; recalling with startling clarity the quiet days filled with heavy silences and empty touches. Her voice lifted as she remembered. “I saw his little face and that was it.” Eyes filled with tears now, she choked. “I’m not strong enough to…”

“You are.” Matt argued quietly. “And you’ve got me. We moved on once, we can do it again.”

“I want my own baby.”

“Gabby, the doctor said you…”

“I know!” She snapped. He just watched her until her shoulders slumped. “I can’t change what I want.” And she didn’t want to. That was the problem, Matt thought. Compromise was not something Gabby was very good at. Living with disappointment, dealing with failure, all things she hated and ran from. Sometimes you couldn’t though. He wanted to say all this but even if he could find the words and the energy, part of him knew she wouldn’t listen.

Maybe that was the biggest problem of all. God, what were they doing? But he couldn’t give up. He and Gabby still loved each other, they could find a way to makes things work. They were married, they had to make it work somehow.

In the end they decided to table the issue. Gabby accepted that Kayla was with them until she aged out and promised to make an effort to find some common ground with her. If Tina brought another kid to their attention, they would discuss together and decide.

…

In April, Carmen’s mother had made a full recovery and was able to take her daughter back. Although he’d known it was always going to be temporary – and he was happy that Carmen would re-join her family – Matt was sad to say goodbye. He noticed Kayla wipe her eyes surreptitiously as they saw her off. The house felt empty without Carmen’s laughter and Spanglish. She’d really blossomed with them and had become part of all their lives. Only Gabby seemed unaffected, though she did stroke Matt’s face sympathetically. He barely hid his irritation at the perfunctory comforting. It was so obvious that she was glad Carmen was gone and practically looking at her watch until Kayla left too. Why bother going through the motions?

Around this time, Antonio popped up again. Unsure if he'd been speaking with Gabby or not, Matt kept his answers short and to the point. He understood that Gabby didn't feel the same as he did but she could have all the time and space she needed to get there. They'd reached a short-term agreement and that was all they could do for now. Antonio didn't look happy, but he did pat him on the back.

"You guys will make it." He said confidently. Matt swallowed and wished he felt as sure.

…

He was soon distracted from his own grief by Severide suffering something much worse. Anna, his girlfriend, the person who’d brought him alive after years of coasting romantically, passed away. Still vividly remembering the aftermath from Shay’s death, Matt immediately planned for the fallout. He coordinated with Sev’s mom and Boden to make sure that he wasn’t ever left alone and always had someone to talk to. Luckily, Sev didn’t fight them on taking bereavement leave.

“Just a few shifts, till I get my head on straight.” Matt had gone to the apartment after the wake for moral support and invited him for dinner the next evening.

“Gabby’s on shift so it’ll just be me and Kayla and we’re hardly sparkling conversationalists. No effort required. Promise.” Still looking exhausted and pale, Sev just nodded. Kayla was understanding and instantly agreed with Matt’s request that they not try and force Sev into conversation. “He can join us if he wants but what he needs right now is normalcy. People making him feel like the world hasn’t ended.” The teenager nodded sagely and Matt’s heart splintered a little, knowing that she had too much experience with loss at her age.

“It’s horrible.” She whispered. Memories of Hallie’ warm corpse, burnt but still precious, flashed before his eyes for a second. Damn beam couldn’t have knocked _that_ out of his head? He swallowed and nodded.

“I know. But he’s strong and he’s got a lot of people to lean on.” Smiling slightly, he added. “A few years ago he wouldn’t have asked for help but I think he will now.” Kayla looked at him consideringly.

“And you?” He frowned and she sighed, continuing awkwardly. “Are you okay? You know, with Carmen…” Taken aback by her concern, he was about to trot out the usual ‘fine’ before he caught her raised eyebrow. Remembering what he’d just said about Sev, he realised the hypocrisy so let out a heavy breath instead.

“I miss her.” Kayla nodded and seeing her sadness as well, Matt rubbed her arm. He was surprised when she hugged him, arms around his waist and head tucked into his chest. Eyes stinging, he wrapped his arms around her.

“We need to get another Hispanic kid or you’re gonna lose you Spanish.”

“Nos podemos practicar.” He felt the vibrations from her laughing at his accent and smiled, saying mock-sternly. “¡Callate!” She didn’t listen and he chuckled himself, feeling hopeful.

Over the next few weeks, everyone kept an eye on Severide – as unobtrusively as possible. Soon, Tina was ringing Matt again.

…

Her name was Sam: Kayla’s age, from a nice middle-class family. Problem was, she’d been born male and her parents had reacted badly to her decision to come out as transgender. Very badly. There hadn’t been any physical abuse but her grandmother had been worried enough by her son and daughter-in-law’s ‘intervention’ plans that she’d called Child Services. They’d agreed with her and had assigned Sam a caseworker who had worked with the family to try and reach an understanding.

Tensions had risen, fuelled by the father’s paranoia over the government taking away his parental rights. Sam had been temporarily removed until the parents had passed an LGBT sensitivity course and convinced the caseworker of their acceptance of their daughter’s identity. The initial timeline was 2-3 months, then they would all reassess the situation.

Her story broke Matt’s heart, reminding him of his own father’s harsh and judgemental tirades. For whatever reason, Gabby didn’t protest when he brought it up. Maybe it was the echoed outrage on her face or she’d just given up arguing the point. Either way, it was full steam ahead: Matt getting the room ready, signing paperwork, having calls and talks with the caseworker.

In between preparations, he worried about Kayla’s latest mood – he’d tried to emphasise that he’d still have time for her but a new kid was inevitably a new kid, so he understood her lack of enthusiasm.

“Can we try for neutral? If we can’t be welcoming?” He’d half-joked after his speech had only earned him a bored look.

“Sure, whatever.” After she’d sloped off, he’d taken a deep breath. He repeated in his head: _Everything’ll be alright_.

…

Sam was tall for her age, almost as tall as Matt, with short sandy blonde hair and sharp green eyes. Her shoulders were squared and pushed back as Matt came up to greet her, her jaw stiff as if getting ready for a fight. Smiling, having enough experience of meeting new foster kids to be confident, Matt waved a hand.

“Hi, I’m Matt.” Nodding whilst eyeing him up, she replied.

“Sam.” Matt repeated the name several times in his head.

“Sam, not Samantha. Cool. You ready?” Her caseworker had been called to an emergency so he’d met Sam at the office – another caseworker handling the trade-off. At his question, she shouldered her overnight bag and he realised suddenly that was all she had. He was about to double-check there wasn’t anything else but seeing her expression answered his question. Instead he commented.

“Well, I’m free tomorrow so we can go to the mall to get anything else you need.”

“Thanks.” She mumbled as they got into the truck. “You a builder?”

“Uh, yeah. I got a construction business. Spend more time doing paperwork than actually building nowadays.” It was true he leaned more and more on Alvaro and Daniel, especially for small or simple jobs. Matt always tried to at least make an appearance once a day to check on things, in between dropping off or picking up kids. He’d spent more time building since Louie had left as he’d been free when Kayla was at school. With Sam going to the same school, he hoped to keep it up.

Daniel was 21 now and had learned a lot in the three years under Matt and Alvaro’s tutelage. He’d started talking about starting his own business in a few years and was saving up for business school. Matt had offered to show him some things in winter, when all jobs went on hold due to the icy conditions.

He told Sam about Gabby and Kayla.

“I haven’t told Kayla why you’re with us though I can, if you want her to know without-”

“No. I’m used to having to explain my existence.” The bitterness in her young voice was disheartening.

“You don’t have to.” He glanced at her. “I want you to know that none of use care about…that stuff. You are very welcome with us.” Then he shut his mouth before he said anything weird. The rest of the drive was in silence.

It was a Friday so Kayla was at school and Gabby was on shift. Matt gave Sam the tour, remembered the slip of paper with the Wi-Fi password that time and left Sam to login as he went to his study. As he sat down though, he remembered that he hadn’t asked her for her cell number. Deciding to do it before he forgot, he went back up to her room. He knocked and waited.

Then heard a sniff. He closed his eyes in sympathy before dithering at the door. Sam called.

“Come in.” Going in, taking in her red face, he dug out the travel size pack of tissues he’d started carrying around with him since Louie and his creative way of spilling things.

“Allergies?” He should probably foster healthy expressions of negative emotions but damn would he have hated someone drawing attention to his tears.

“Yeah.” She took his out and the packet. Extracting a tissue, she wiped her face and then held the packet out. He shook his head.

“Keep it. I’ve got loads of them. There’s a draw in the hall dresser if you ever need more.”

“Thanks.” After a beat he said.

“Could I get your cell number? Forgot to ask earlier.” At this she looked down.

“Uh, I don’t have one.” From the shame in her voice, he gathered it wasn’t through personal choice.

“Oh, well, we can get one for you tom-” He cut himself off and checked the time. “Wait, you don’t have any plans today, right?” She looked at him strangely but confirmed that she didn’t. “Then we can go now. Let’s go.” Taken aback but not arguing, Sam followed him.

In the truck, he gave her the list Kayla had helped him write of essential things for teenage girls. Half of the stuff he’d never heard of, despite having lived with his sister.

“So you can add anything you need to that – should be a pen in the glove compartment.” She read the list with a steadily rising eyebrow. She looked over questioningly and he shrugged. “I guess if we don’t know what it is, you don’t need it?” They shopped, Matt vividly recalling the first – and only – trip to the mall with Kayla. So much had changed since then. Whilst he was still anxious about making Sam feel welcome and safe, it wasn’t as bad as with Kayla.

With the help of some nice assistants, they worked out what everything was for and got what Sam thought she needed. Just in time too, as Matt’s patience with flirtatious assistants had been wearing thin; he’d made sure to flash his ring so none of it had been with intent – just wanting to flatter him into buying more. It had still made him uncomfortable though and so he was glad when they finished the list and could return home.

The phone had caused the biggest headache as neither Matt nor Sam were very knowledgeable about them. Matt had considered consulting someone he knew but everyone at 51 was on shift and Jason and Kayla were at school. They muddled through and Matt made sure to check the returns policy. They got a pay-as-you-go contract under Sam’s name (with Matt paying) so she could keep the phone after.

All through the trip, Matt had sensed Sam’s fierce independent streak though there seemed to be a barrier of politeness stopping her from being frank about it. Instead she seemed to be tolerating his suggestions and offers for help – accepting reluctantly. He wrote that down in his notepad along with her preference for ‘Sam’ and her favourite foods: meatloaf and lasagne.

They got back, Matt left Sam to unpack, remembering to give her the paint pallet in case she wanted to redecorate.

“Why? I’m only here for three months.”

“For three months this is your home. No reason you shouldn’t feel…” his mind blanked and he changed tacks, “besides, I’ve got a lot of supplies from the business so it wouldn’t be a huge expense.”

“Can I think about it?”

“Of course, offer’s open-ended.”

At dinner that night, he asked Kayla. “Hey, did we ever re-decorate your room?” It was an honest question and an effort to get a nice, neutral conversation going as the girls had definitely not had a good first impression of each other.

Matt didn’t know if Kayla had had a bad day at school or she didn’t like Sam on sight or was simply jealous of a new kid, but she had been ice cold since she’d come home – to both him and Sam. Sam had been squaring her jaw and shoulders again and had taken in Kayla’s behaviour with a knowing look.

Aware that you couldn’t force people to be friends – only provide the opportunities for them to take that step – Matt hadn’t pushed. That didn’t mean he was going to sit in silence during mealtimes. Kayla shrugged in answer, then looked down again…not at the table. Mat frowned and stared at her, an expectant eyebrow raised. Sensing his gaze, she looked up again and getting his point, huffed.

“It _is_ urgent!” He did not move a muscle so she sighed dramatically and put her phone face down on the table. She widened her eyes in a silent ‘you happy?’. Matt’s eyes sparkled a little at her dramatics but he only nodded in reply. As Kayla moodily picked up her fork again, Matt glanced at Sam; she hadn’t seemed to have paid attention to their exchange. “So how fucked up are _your_ folks?” Kayla asked her suddenly. Matt put down his fork, saying warningly.

“Kayla…”

“What? I’m being interested in her life.” Sam spoke before Matt could think of a reply.

“Wanted to exorcise me, think I’m a devil cos I wanna get rid of my cock.” Matt and Kayla stared at her for second before she asked casually. “You?”

“Druggie mom, dad MIA.” Kayla responded seemingly on autopilot, still taken aback by Sam’s proclamation. Sam looked at Matt.

“You?” He blinked and opened his mouth to instinctively dodge the prod into his personal life but then stopped. The girls didn’t have a choice about him knowing their painful childhoods and broken relationships, how could he refuse to share his? Why should he? If anyone would understand…As steadily as he could, he said.

“Well, my dad died when I was about your age. My mom went to jail so I bounced around group homes until I aged out.” Kayla’s jaw dropped.

“ _You_ were in foster care?” He frowned.

“Yeah…?”

“But you’re so…normal!” Sam frowned too and after looking to her for support, Kayla flapped her arms and explained dismissively. “The memory thing is cos of an accident...and there’s no bodies anywhere. I checked my first day.” Something clicked in Matt’s head.

“So, _that’s_ what you were doing in the yard! You thought I was a serial killer?” Kayla looked a little sheepish but tried to cover it.

“Well, not really. Relax Matt, it was like a year ago.”

“Still, you didn’t feel safe when you…”

“Whoa! Seriously! It was just something stupid a kid in the group home said.” Matt relaxed minutely but still wasn’t happy with the new information – even if it was retroactive. It must have showed on his face because Kayla said loudly. “Well, this got pretty deep. How ‘bout we go back to silence?” After checking Sam’s expression – looked like agreement – Matt sighed.

…

The next day was Saturday so Kayla and Sam were in for when Gabby got back. Matt had just returned from his morning run when Sam had appeared downstairs. Still a little out of breath, Matt had looked at his watch. 7am. Yet Sam looked alert and ready to start the day. All he knew about her family was that they’d been devout and strict – he really should have guessed she’d have been trained to be an early riser.

So instead of commenting, he showed her where everything was (at least the things without picture guides on the cabinets) correctly predicting she’d turn down his offer to make something. After a shower and changing, he joined her and they made small talk about routines, allowance and chores.

He’d realised that unlike Kayla, Sam had been raised with a lot of demands made of her time and expectations. She needed to know in more detail what he expected of her. He’d remembered from his reading that a break of routing could be disturbing for a child and any effort to replicate or emulate past routines would help ease the settling in process. Sam’s old routine had been incredibly controlled and rigorous so Matt retrieved a spare planner from his office.

When Gabby came in, they were working out Sam’s new schedule – Matt ironically fighting to include more downtime. He was just saying that they had to leave some chores for everyone else when he was interrupted by a laugh.

“I don’t believe it, someone who works harder than you?” Matt smiled and Sam tensed.

“Gabby, Sam. Sam, this is my wife, Gabby.” Gabby waved.

“Pleased to meet you.” Sam nodded but didn’t relax, looking almost wary. Matt had no idea what she was reacting to – if it was more than instinctive defensiveness – so decided to try and ease the tension.

“Hey, I never say no to any extra help around here.” Gabby had noticed Sam’s body language though and she was reacting too, shoulders squaring. Recognising her fighting face, Matt quickly intervened. “You got any plans later?”

“I’m doing a shift at Molly’s tonight, why?”

“I was thinking we could do something altogether, like…” His mind blanked and Gabby raised an eyebrow briefly before begrudgingly coming to his rescue.

“How about I make some fajitas for lunch?”

“That’d be great!” Matt said with exaggerated enthusiasm.

It was not great. The food was excellent but the conversation was as stilted and awkward as Matt’s speech after a bad night’s sleep and a stressful situation. The stress of the failing family activity closed up his throat and he could hardly speak even to answer simple questions. Luckily – or unluckily – no one else was saying much and everyone escaped as soon as they could.

At least Gabby and Kayla had stopped sniping at each other. Since Kayla’s status had been updated to permanent, Gabby seemed to have accepted it and hadn’t started any spats. Kayla had also settled into a begrudging acceptance. Matt still hoped to one day find a way to help grow a friendship between the two, despite Sev’s advice to be grateful for the truce.

Currently Sam seemed to be on her best behaviour, but Matt didn’t know if it would last – the anger and sadness at her situation was under the surface – it had to be. He wondered how it would make an appearance.

The next week proceeded slowly. With all the silent tension, Matt had to do some yoga to relax. Sam joined him on his morning runs and did her homework and chores quickly and efficiently – which royally pissed off Kayla as she was a typical teenager in the motivation department.

He heard from Kayla that Sam hadn’t made any waves – or any kind of serious impact – when she’d joined her school. He didn’t blame her for wanting to blend into the background, but not forming any friendships was not only unhealthy, it made you an easier target for bullies. Matt made a note to keep an eye on it – through a reluctant Kayla – who was still sulking from his speech about tolerance and looking after one another.

“She may not act like it but Sam needs our help. As senior foster sister,” Kayla had done a double-take at the phrase, “it’s your responsibility to help her settle in.” That had _not_ gone down well and Kayla had protested and groaned until Matt had interrupted her firmly. “You don’t have to be her best friend, just don’t let her suffer alone.” Some of his high school memories surfaced. “There’s nothing worse than thinking no one cares.” Reluctantly, she grunted that she’d ‘try’ and he had to settle for that.

…

Severide was doing better, Matt was pleased to see. He also hadn’t reverted back to his one-night stand bachelor ways, instead coming over for nights in or working at the boat yard. He’d met Sam and they’d both quickly relaxed in each other’s company, though when Kayla was around there was an air of jealousy and tension between the girls – especially from Kayla. Sam didn’t seem bothered about having the most attention or connecting with anyone – which was starting to worry Matt. He’d tried talking to her caseworker about it – but he was always so busy dealing with various crises.

When Sam’s parents didn’t turn up to the first biweekly visit, Matt had made a point of going in to the office to talk about what to do. The caseworker hadn’t been there and likely wouldn’t return all day so Matt had left a message; stopping by Tina’s office for some advice. She gave him reassurance that all he could do was be there for Sam. Not wanting to overstep or overreact by taking to her a child psychologist, Matt worried about what to do.

“She’s probably processing.” Severide had said. “Just let her know that you’re there if she needs to talk.” Matt had nodded and smiled.

“When did you get so good at this stuff?” Sev had just tapped his nose cryptically before asking seriously.

“Are you happy?” Matt considered; whilst there were definitely a lot of things he could improve on or fix – in general he couldn’t complain. So that’s what he said. Then he asked Sev back, genuinely unsure of what his friend’s answer would be. Sev thought for a moment.

“I’m not unhappy.” Matt’s heart ached at that. “There’re days when I don’t think about Anna and days I do but, it’s kind of with this…” In a rare turn of events, Matt finished his thought.

“Bittersweetness, like you’ve accepted she’s gone and that you can have a life without her, even as you hate it, wish she was still there.” Sev knew that Matt was speaking from personal experience, though he didn’t mention it. Instead they looked at each other in understanding, eyes maybe a little wet.

"Yeah." Sev managed finally, smiling a little as Matt squeezed his shoulder.


	9. Stand By Her

When she thought about it, her life was a bit surreal. The family of her childhood memories had been strict but loving with lots of laughter and good-natured rivalry between her brothers. As the youngest, she’d always been picked on somewhat – and had learned to fight dirty to compensate. She could still hear the echo of her father’s voice as he’d coached her how to hit a home run.

Then as she’d hit her pre-teens, things had changed. Her parents had joined a new church with more rules, more restrictions, more expectations. Around that time, she’d discovered the name of the feeling she’d been experiencing for years – the feeling that something didn’t fit – or she didn’t. Reading about others’ stories online had been an awakening and for over a year she’d struggled with how to deal with it. Judging by the pastor’s rhetoric on Sundays and her own parent’s views on other similar topics – there wouldn’t be a whole lot of understanding and support – but they were still her family.

She’d started with her ex-hippy grandma who didn’t look at all surprised. It had filled her with hope which had been promptly destroyed by her mother’s tears and her father’s confused shouting. Her brothers had all had different reactions – only one seeming supportive.

Sam had been grounded – even from school – and the pastor had been consulted. After an excruciating talk in which he’d tried to convince her to reject her unnatural ideas, things had gone quiet. When her gramma had called Child Services, Sam hadn’t believed it.

Then a family blow up had brought it all out and her caseworker had removed her that day. Packing quickly, the sounds of her father’s incensed shouting urging her on; it hadn’t seemed real. After a sleepless night in a group home, abandoned by her caseworker, Matt had come to collect her.

He’d seemed nice enough – a little forgetful perhaps, she’d noticed him repeating things and writing notes to himself – but he smiled at her and seemed to genuinely want to make her feel welcome.

Gabby and Kayla were another story. Kayla had only-child syndrome stamped all over her stupid face and dyed hair. Matt hadn’t disclosed why she was being fostered, just that she was going to be with him till she aged out. Kayla’s curt explanation garnered a little sympathy from Sam – but her standoffish and borderline rude manner stopped her getting too much slack. Raised better than to snipe back, Sam just settling on ignoring her.

Whilst Kayla had the excuse of feeling threatened by Sam’s presence, Gabby had no reason to be such a bitch. Although jealousy seemed like a good reason. She never took any direct jabs, nor made any oblique references to Sam’s transgender status, but there was something in her manner, her body language, which was hostile, unpleasant. It was crystal clear that she wanted nothing to do with either girl and some days she didn’t seem that interested in Matt.

In any case, Sam just tried to stay away from her. Kelly, or Severide, as Matt called him, was okay and after she’d got used to Matt’s idiosyncrasies, spending time with him was fun too.

In general, Sam was just kind of coasting through life until ‘The Incident’.

…

The school had been made aware of her situation of course and the Principal, the Head of Year and her tutor had all been good about it. Whilst the school had traditional open plan gendered locker rooms, the showers were individual cubicles. No locks but there was some privacy. Considering what happened, it was kind of a wonder no one found out sooner.

It had been some soap. A stupid little sliver of soap that she’d slipped on and fallen over. Her towel had got tangled and in the struggle to put it back at least three other girls had _seen_ her. There’d been an awkward quiet, everyone seemed embarrassed and shocked. Sam had got changed as quickly as possible and then kept her head down the next few periods, fleeing as soon as the bell rang for the end of the day. Kayla caught up with her at the bus stop.

“Hey, you okay?” Her voice full of concern. _Ah, so you do care._ Sam thought angrily. Still shamed by the whole thing, she’d just shrugged and shouldered her backpack. Getting the message, Kayla nodded. “Well, most people here are cool but if anyone gives you any trouble, you just tell me. Me, Jaz and Lauren will set ‘em straight.” Touched, Sam managed a shaky smile.

They took the bus together in a friendly silence. As they reached their stop, Kayla asked casually. “Want me to tell Matt?” Sam blanched but realised Kayla was right as she said quietly. “If any of the parents get involved they’ll call him anyway.”

Sam was halfway through the three month stay but her parents failing to attend any meetings didn’t bode well. It was likely that she’d be stuck with the Casey’s and that school for a lot longer than expected. She’d been trying to ignore that fact but now it was slapping her in the face. She sighed and Kayla looked sympathetic.

“I’ll stay with you.” At Sam’s incredulous look she shrugged. “You’re my foster sister.” By that point they’d reached the front door so she hurriedly blinked back tears and they went in together.

…

Matt was saddened to hear Sam’s tale. The school was standing behind her and luckily there were only a few complaints – though very vocal complaints – from the parents. The principal was a very charismatic man and Matt thanked his lucky stars that he hadn’t had to go to any meetings. His days of giving inspiring speeches were over – at least to rooms of stubborn people.

Another good aspect was Kayla’s silent support. He noticed a more relaxed atmosphere when they were together.

Summer holidays started and everyone was happier. Kayla even invited Sam to join her and her friends. Sam agreed to one or two outings and Kayla had reported back that she was still quiet when in groups but not seeming to hate it. Thinking that Sam was probably lonely, Matt lightly encouraged her to check out a LGBT group that Brett had helped him find. From his reading, he knew that LGBT teens were at a higher risk of depression and self-harm so being able to talk to people with similar experiences could only help. Right?

Sam just looked at him when he’d mentioned it – that hard stare she had making him doubt everything. But she had taken the flyer and promised to think about it. She also did agree to go with him to a Spanish summer class. After Carmen had left, his Spanish had deteriorated and all the Duolingo in the world wouldn’t make up for it. Sam took Spanish at school so her written level was better than his but Matt had more practice speaking. So when Kayla went on holiday with Lauren’s family – after Matt had insisted on meeting them over coffee to discuss details and payment – Matt and Sam spent a pleasant two weeks of Spanish class, jogging and visiting the firehouse.

Although it was busy and crowded at times, people wouldn’t bug you if you didn’t want to join in. Matt remembered many times when he’d been feeling unsociable but lonely so he would leave the door of his office open or even take some paperwork to the breakroom, just to soak up the banter and laughs of the others.

Surprisingly, or perhaps not, Sam seemed to form a firm friendship with Mouch. It started with Mouch inviting her to sit and watch some documentary with him. The next time Matt had looked over, they were exchanging the occasional comment. Before long they’d got into a good-natured debate over something. When they’d left that day, Mouch had bid Sam farewell fondly and Sam had looked enthusiastic about going back when Matt floated the idea.

Matt was happy for Sam but also for himself: the perfect excuse to keep on visiting the firehouse. Kayla didn’t mind going but she much preferred to spend time with Severide outside it. Maybe the firehouse could be Sam’s place. She could always hang out in Sev’s office if she ever needed somewhere quiet to retreat to.

Predictably, Sam’s time with him was extended. Her mother apparently had good intentions and had shown a willingness to try and understand Sam’s identity but that had been quashed by the father who was digging his heels in. In the end, it looked like they’d wash their hands of her – which made Matt enraged and depressed by turns.

Sam tried to hide it but Matt could sense her distress and he made her a similar promise to the one he’d made for Kayla. Sam was welcome with him as long as she wanted. There hadn’t been a grateful hug from her, but at least Matt hadn’t seen any of the other warning signs of self-harm.

She agreed to see a child therapist, after he’d reminded her that he saw one himself, and whilst he couldn’t reveal any details, Hank reassured Matt that there didn’t seem to be any immediate risk.

Kayla continued to grow in confidence and manged to keep a good work-life balance – her grades had improved since her mother’s disappearance and plateaued in a B/C range. She didn’t seem to have a clear idea of what to do after graduation, but it was a few years away.

She did, however, have clear ideas about her appearance. The streak in her hair changed a few times and she came home one night talking about getting a tattoo. Gabby, who had cooked a beautiful dish whose name Matt couldn’t pronounce, put down her wine glass and said shortly.

“Yeah, so, not happening.” Matt frowned but didn’t have the chance to say anything as Kayla jumped on Gabby.

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

“I am your foster mom, missy.” Sam and Matt looked between the two like spectators at a tennis match.

“As if! You’re hardly even here anymore.”

“Uh…” Matt tried to interrupt.

“Excuse me!” Gabby demanded. “I actually work! Unlike some people around here.” Kayla opened her mouth, outrage all over her face, but Matt had found his voice.

“Enough.” His measured but authoritative tone calling all their attention. “Kayla, you’re 16 so you can’t get one for another 2 years anyway.”

“One and a half.” She muttered but he ignored her.

“And when she’s old enough it’ll be her choice.” He said to Gabby, who was taking another sip of wine belligerently. No one ate much after that and Matt let Kayla be excused soon after. Sam started clearing but he stopped her and Gabby, who was half out of her chair. “It’s okay, Sam. I’ll get these.” Sensing his reasoning, Sam nodded and left gladly. Gabby narrowed her eyes and Matt sighed. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh nothing. Everything’s just peachy.” He just waited her out. Finally, she sighed. “Hermann said something to me last shift.” Concerned, he moved to the chair beside her. On seeing it, her bottom lip wobbled.

“What happened?”

“Oh Matt, he was so mad.”

“He’s Hermann. He’s always hopping about something.” He tried to reassure her, but she was shaking her head.

“Not like this.” Taking a big breath, she told him about a decision she’d made on a call and how Hermann had reamed her on it. Matt took care to keep his expression sympathetic as the Lieutenant in him was internally agreeing with Hermann. Gabby had disobeyed a direct order and gone back into a burning building alone. Although she didn’t say it, Matt could read between the lines that it had been close. Heart constricting at the thought that he’d almost lost her, he put a hand over hers.

This was one of the most difficult aspects of their relationship. He could lose her without warning any time she went on shift. It had been better actually being on calls with her as the terror had been shoved aside by his training and distraction of whatever needed doing. On the side lines he felt next to useless.

Part of him wanted to caution her in addition to Hermann’s lecture, to try and get through to her. Even now, with her lieutenant threatening to bounce her if she did it again, she thought she’d been in the right. The same thought that he’d had during her candidacy crossed his mind. She wasn’t cut out to be a firefighter; not because of her gender or lack of ability, but because she wasn’t a team player.

Gabby was a firecracker, strong and capable and decisive – but in the heat of the moment she lost sight of the big picture and acted instinctively, saying Hell to protocol. It had got her in trouble as an EMT but as she’d been the PIC on a two-person team, it had worked. As a subordinate on a bigger team, not following protocols or commands could get your brothers and sisters killed.

“Are you happy on truck?” She blinked.

“Of course. There’s nothing like firefighting.”

“I don’t mean the rescuing people bit. I mean the following orders part. You were a PIC for a long time, no one would blame you if-”

“What are you saying? I can’t follow orders?”

“No! Of course you can. I just mean, maybe you’re better suited to being in a partnership, like when you were a PIC.” Luckily she didn’t seem to take offence at the suggestion, instead thinking it over.

“Maybe you’re right.” She went on, considering. “Brett hasn’t found a permanent replacement yet.”

“Maybe think about it and talk with Hermann and the chief – see what they say.” When her eyes refocused, she smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek.

“I’ll go to Molly’s, see if I can catch Hermann.” Biting back his protest that she let Hermann calm down a bit more, he smiled a little.

“Good luck.”

..

It was decided that Gabby would go back to being PIC on Ambo – Matt being relieved beyond belief. Throughout the holiday period, tensions between all the girls relaxed, though Sam and Kayla were obviously missing their families.

Christie, Violet and Sam’s grandma came over for Thanksgiving. Sam’s grandma entertained them all with tales from her hippy days. Matt was pleased to see her obvious love and acceptance of her granddaughter. He was also happy Christie and Violet seemed to be doing well after the divorce. Relations with Jim were a little strained but ultimately channels were open and Violet saw him regularly. Christie wasn’t currently dating and their mom was spending time with new friends so they’d accepted his invitation. Violet chatted a little to Kayla and Sam in that way confident kids could just get on with most people.

As Thanksgiving wasn’t a big celebration in the Dawson household, Gabby spent it with Matt and the rest; drinking a little more than Matt was comfortable with as she often got randier the more she drank. Despite this, the dinner went well and Matt’s close watching of the girls yielded no signs of depression.

Sam was still working like a machine, jogging with him in the mornings and picking up Kayla’s slack on the chore front, but she had joined the LGBT group. Matt gathered that she mostly watched and listened during talks or activities but it was a start. At least she knew that there were people she could turn to if she needed.

He also checked in with Jason. Still living with his rigid aunt, Jason had retained most of his shyness but had joined chess club at school. He creamed poor Matt every time they played and tactfully ignored any illegal moves Matt made due to forgetting the rules.

Identifying a possible positive influence, Matt took Jason to meet Otis. Although he had talked about the firehouse a lot, due to one thing or another he’d never gotten around to taking Jason there. As with Sam, Matt warned 51 to be extra careful with the boy, but after a few rounds of chess with Otis, Jason relaxed and seemed happy to take in the atmosphere. He hadn’t mentioned a desire to become a first responder in a while so Matt didn’t bring it up. He was only 11 after all.

They still went to see his father and had talked a little about it; Jason saying how it never got any easier. Matt could relate. He’d mentioned his mother’s incarceration and how it had affected him; Jason wide-eyed and nodding like his neck was a hinge. Matt hoped that Jason’s new friendship with Otis would bolster his confidence and bring him more out of his shell.

..

Christmas Day was the best Christmas Matt had ever had. It was snowing lightly so he and Sam forewent their daily run; instead Matt cooked a special breakfast. He put on Christmas music and bopped around the kitchen – Sam watching him bemusedly before swaying a little herself.

Gabby appeared next, messaging her mom to see when they could go over. There hadn’t been much interaction between the families since Louie had left. Considering Kayla - and probably Sam - would be there for a few years, Matt thought that he should bring it up. Gabby had agreed with no argument, giving Matt hope. Kayla dragged herself out of bed a little after 10 so they had time to open their presents to each other.

The atmosphere was light and happy, Mat’s cup running over as he saw the girl’s reaction to their presents: Sam some fancy sneakers and sweat bands, Kayla a new phone she’d not-so-subtly been hinting at for months.

He’d bought Gabby a voucher for a spa day for two which had been a suggestion from Brett; they’d joked that she had just been angling for something she could enjoy too. When Gabby opened the envelope, she smiled and leaned into him on the couch.

“Who shall I take...?” Mischievous, she asked. “You ever been to a spa, Matt?” He laughed.

“Oh no, you won’t find me with those things on my eyes.”

“Don’t’ tell me you’re afraid of a little mud bath.” He mock-shivered.

“Count me out.”

“You don’t want a nice exfoliating treatment?” Kayla joined in the teasing. Puffing out his chest, he joked.

“Excuse me, I have great skin.” The girls laughed and after some more banter, he opened his gift from Sam and Kayla. It was some Spanish movies.

“Since you _still_ haven’t got Netflix.” Kayla explained. Sam chipped in.

“So you can practice more.” Touched, he thanked them and practically glowed as they looked pleased with themselves. Kayla had frowned then, about to ask Gabby something but Gabby beat her to it. Playing with the front of Matt’s shirt she said.

“I’ll give you your present tonight.” Slightly uncomfortably with her suggestive tone in front of the girls, he was glad of Kayla’s exaggerated gagging sound.

“I look forward to it.” He replied quietly before saying louder. “Okay girls, we leave in 15.” Taking the chance to leave, they hopped to it. Matt leaned in and kissed Gabby lingeringly, closing his eyes and committing the moment to memory.

Reluctantly, they pulled away and Gabby whispered in his ear.

“Tonight.”

…

The Dawson’s was as chaotic and full of laughter as always. Kayla had only met Eva in passing – and Antonio of course – whereas Sam was new to all of them. There was an attempt at introductions but Matt had warned the girls beforehand about the size of the family.

“Don’t worry about names. Just hang out with the kids and try to enjoy it. Oh, and try not to get cornered by Gabby’s crazy aunt. She never stops talking. Ever.” They stayed a few hours, Gabby playing with her young nephews and nieces; Kelly and Sam hanging out with Diego and Eva and Matt chatting to Gabby’s parents, checking on the girls every so often.

“Poor things.” Gabby’s mom commented at one point when she saw him looking over. “To be torn from their families, their mothers.” Matt nodded and said.

“They’re strong.” Gabby’s dad patted him on the back.

“And they have you and mija. What more could they ask for?”

“We do our best.” Was all Matt could say to that, hoping that Gabby’s new found inclusiveness would continue into the new year. He didn’t have long to find out.

…

Kayla and Sam went to Lauren’s for a new year’s party. Sam hadn’t been very enthusiastic about going but despite Matt’s insistence she could stay home, Gabby had been dropping heavy hints that she was planning a romantic night in. It wasn’t _that_ bad. Lauren and Kayla’s other friends were okay. They talked a lot about boys and TV shows Sam had never seen, but they always made an effort to include her and weren’t awkward about her transgenderness.

They half-watched movies and gossiped, drinking bucks fizz and some alcopops someone had smuggled in. Sam had tasted some and wrinkled her nose. Kayla seemed more comfortable drinking them and so Sam filed that away for blackmail material. They ended up missing midnight and went to bed about 2am.

Sam was exhausted from the socialisation and late hour but her internal clock still woke her up at 6am. She lay in the sleeping bag for a long time, listening to the others sleeping and comparing this New Years to her last one.

She’d still been presenting as a boy then, trying to figure out the itchy and alien feeling shifting under her skin. She and her brothers had snuck out to watch the neighbours’ fireworks better. Even with her brothers, joking and teasing each other, she’d still felt lonely and anxious. Kayla could be a snarky bitch when she wanted and she had only-child syndrome written all over her, but still, she’d stood by Sam when her own family hadn’t.

Then there was Matt. It was clear that he cared deeply about everyone he knew and wanted to help them however he could. At the same time, he knew to give her and Kayla space, let them make their own decisions – where appropriate. As more and more time passed and there were no signs of her parents trying to get her back, Sam radiated closer and closer to Matt’s warm presence.

Whilst she didn’t yet feel comfortable enough to tell him everything in her head – she could barely express some thoughts to her friends in the LGBT group – she could see herself getting there. One day in the future she would probably be able to talk to him about hormone therapy and surgery and jobs and dating and all of the complicated mess her life would probably be. And she knew that he would do his best to give good advice or help her find someone who could.

They hadn’t made it official, but Matt had spoken with her caseworker and Sam was welcome to stay with him as long as she needed. She held on to that. If the darkness ever came calling, she could tell it that Matt was there with her and Kayla and Sam’s other friends and she was not alone.

…

Eventually the others began stirring and around noon, they’d had some food and got the bus home. Kayla was visibly hungover and Sam couldn’t resist talking a little louder than normal.

“You could at least pretend to feel as bad as I do. Foster-sister solidarity.” Kayla had protested weakly. Smiling a little evilly, Sam had hummed consideringly and then agreed to try.

Kayla woke up fully, however, when they saw an ambulance parked outside their house. Sam spotted the number and Brett sat in the driver’s seat so they relaxed, going over to chat. Brett was as friendly as ever, but she seemed a bit nervous. Kayla asked bluntly.

“What’s she doing in there?” Brett had struggled for a moment before saying vaguely.

“I think she forgot something.” Just then the front door flew open and Gabby came marching out, face like a thundercloud. She didn’t even pause when she saw the girls, continuing to climb into the passenger side. Brett opened her mouth but Gabby shut her up with a look.

“Let’s go.” She ordered sharply. Glancing at the girls, Brett obeyed. Sam and Kayla exchanged a look before venturing into the house cautiously.

They found Matt sitting at the dining table, head in his hands. He hadn’t seemed to have heard them come in. Kayla asked softly.

“Matt? You okay?” Head shooting up, Matt looked startled and a little confused. The moment passed and he stood, clearing his throat.

“Girls, how was it?”

“Fine.” Kayla answered for the both of them. “We just saw Gabby…” They watched him take his coffee mug to the kitchen and followed, concerned with his evasiveness.

“Yeah.” Was all he said in reply. Kayla looked torn between anger and worry so Sam asked again.

“You okay?” Matt looked up from washing the mug and taking in her knowing expression sighed heavily.

“We just had an argument. That’s all.”

“About us.” Kayla guessed. Matt’s eyes went wide.

“No. Not at all! You guys are here as long as you want.” The two girls relaxed but Kayla pushed.

“So what was it about?” Sam saw the pain in his eyes and her heart ached. He cleared his throat.

“You don’t need to worry; we’ll figure it out.” Kayla opened her mouth to protest but Sam interrupted.

“Okay. Anything need doing?” Kayla glared at her but Matt looked grateful.

“Thanks Sam but I think we’re all good. You can…” He waved an arm. Kayla huffed and left the room – Sam following. They went to Kayla’s room so she could rant, Sam sitting gingerly on the bed.

“Matt can be a pain in the ass but he cares.” Kayla said as she paced. She stopped and looked down, continuing guiltily. “I know what I’m like, okay? And when I first came to live here…” Her lips twitched in a half-grimace at the uncomfortable memories. “Let’s just say that I gave him a lot of shit and he just kept on being there for me, never giving up. Yeah he might snap and get annoyed but it didn’t take me long to figure out that he’d never hurt me. He’d die first.” She opened her mouth to explain about her mom bailing and Matt being there for her unconditionally but then stopped. It was still too hard to talk about. She looked back up at her foster-sister, expression earnest. “He’s one of the good ones, Sam. He deserves so much better than her.” Nodding in agreement, Sam asked.

“What does he even see in her?” Kayla twisted her lip and explained.

“Beats me, maybe she was nice when they first got together. There was this kid before: Louie. He was Gabby’s little angel. Poor kid was traumatised by some shit when he was a baby, he’d barely speak, just stare at you all silent and creepy. They really loved him though. Then his real dad came and took him away and she… Well, she’s been against more kids ever since. Matt doesn’t listen to her though. With everything else yes, but the kids come first. Always.” Sam thought for a moment, then asked.

“What are we talking here? Splitting them up?” Kayla sighed heavily.

“I don’t know. I don’t think he’d appreciate that. He really loves her. Despite everything.” Sam frowned, her brows almost meeting.

“Well then, what?”

“I don’t know.” Kayla shrugged, then her eyes lit up. “But I do know someone who would know.”

…

Matt lay awake. This night was worse than usual because not only was Gabby on shift, she was also mad at him. They’d fought that day. Like they always seemed to do lately. He was so tired of it and yet he couldn’t seem to calm things down like he used to. Was it all him? Gabby seemed to be more and more wound up every time they talked. He knew that she wasn’t happy with his refusal to stop fostering but didn’t she know that he wasn’t happy every time she was on call? It was hypocritical of him to feel that way when he’d been a firefighter so long – and damn did he feel like shit for not cutting Hallie more slack for her worry over him – but it was true.

And demanding that they have another baby? She knew just as well as he did what the doctor had said. Getting pregnant again could kill her.

Being in a relationship meant making sacrifices and compromises. Sometimes you had to do things you didn’t want to because that was what was best for the relationship. His desire, no his need, to give kids in trouble a home where they could be safe and loved, wasn’t something he could compromise more on. Tina had asked him if he could take more but he’d wanted to give Gabby time to…He didn’t know, come around? He’d run out of ways to make Gabby see that so just had decided to settle for waiting her anger out. It was wearing him out though, making him feel stretched thin, vulnerable.

He loved her. If she didn't love him anymore, why didn't she just say it? Why was she still here?

Thinking about it got his heart rate up so he lay awake, trying to breath steadily but unable to get that damn line out of his head.

_You’re a shadow of the man I fell in love with._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's lucky Gabby is just a fictional character, otherwise I'd be in jail for murder.


	10. All About Us

Bria was a sweet girl fighting to save her father – she was also the final blow. Setting aside the fact that Gabby had run after her into an unsafe building instead of radioing Severide, who was already inside and in _protective gear_ , Matt struggled to refrain from cautioning Gabby over getting involved. Of course he agreed to house Bria for as long as she needed and treated her the same as the others – or tried to. Sometimes he couldn’t help but look at the teenager and see Gabby’s self-righteous expression.

All the time since they’d lost Louie she’d been fighting him on every foster kid, arguing that they should start their own family – they’d done their bit. Then she rescues someone else, forms a connection and insists they foster her. A small voice in Matt’s head told him that the decision to foster Bria was more about Gabby than it was a child in need.

With a wave of terrible grief – Matt realised that the life he’d been trying to live for years wasn’t sustainable. It was almost too painful to even contemplate it, but he forced himself to think about ending his relationship with Gabby. Though terrible, it would get better, he could do it. Now the question was – should he? Whatever he decided, he needed to make sure he’d tried everything.

He waited out Bria’s stay, focusing on making sure the girls were doing okay. Sam had seemed to have turned a corner which he was happy to see. She showed more interest in socialising and even suggested some outings they could all do together. Kayla seemed steady, still moody and short with people at times, but in general happy. Jason’s father was due to have his parole hearing in a few months so Jason was busy researching and nervously anticipating it – Matt helping as much as he could. Severide had been growing closer to Kidd, according to house gossip, though he hadn’t mentioned anything to Matt. If it was true, Matt would be happy for him. He was doing a lot better since Anna’s death.

Finally, Bria left and Matt proposed a romantic evening in when Sam and Kayla were going to the cinema with some mutual friends. He cooked and Gabby got dressed up and they had a nice conversation over dinner, laughing and joking like they used to do.

Before Matt could breach the subject of the future, Gabby beat him to it.

“So I was thinking, since I’ve been back on Ambo I can see Brett’s ready to become PIC.” Matt blinked. “I’m going to recommend to chief that she be promoted.”

“Okay…” She took his hand.

“So I can take leave and we can finally have our own baby.” Matt pulled his hand away. Before he could speak though, her expression hardened and she said with an air of finality. “I am going to have a baby, Matt.”

“Not with me.” Silence fell – still and terrible. He swallowed but didn’t take his eyes off his wife’s face. She seemed stunned but as anger began to form he continued. “If you want to risk your life getting pregnant then that is your choice, but I can’t sit in another waiting room only for them to tell me that this time I lost both of you.” Having realised how serious he was, Gabby breathed.

“Matt-”

“I love you, so much-”

“Don’t-”

“-but I won’t watch you die. If we can’t agree on this…”

“Matt!”

“Then we can’t…we should…” He breathed and found the words. “Get a divorce.” Tears in her eyes, she just stared at him for a long moment, then she breathed in shakily.

“I love you too. I’ve loved you ever since our first shift together, did you know that?” Blinking back his own tears, he shook his head. Lips twitching upwards a little, Gabby reminisced. “It was at that apartment fire. You were bringing a little kid down in the aerial. At first he’d been screaming and panicking but by the time you were on the ground, you’d calmed him down and he was smiling. You brought him over and said ‘this is Dawson, she’s gonna take great care of you’.” She smiled sadly. “And that was it.”

“Gabby.” He sighed. “You’re an amazing person and I know you’ll find someone who can make you happy.” She sobbed and then they were both crying, hugging, clinging to each other. Even as he mourned though, Matt knew it was the right thing to do.

Reluctantly, they pulled apart and Gabby went to pack a night bag. She needed to leave to clear her head, saying she’d come back for the rest of her stuff. By the time she was done, Matt had cleared the table and scrubbed it within an inch of its life. Looking sad but determined, Gabby took off her rings and set them on the table. Matt averted his eyes, unable to look at them. She kissed him on the cheek and stroked his face and then she was gone.

The house had never felt more quiet. At a loss, Matt wandered over to the couch and sat down.

Suddenly, Kayla was calling his name. He looked up and saw her concerned face. Belatedly, he drew up a weak smile.

“Hey, how was it?”

“Fine. Where’s Gabby? Are you okay?” Throat tight, he could only shake his head. Sam put a hand on Kayla’s arm and whispered something. Swallowing, Matt said.

“It’s late, you two should…” Used to his half-sentences, they nodded and chorused, Sam sympathetic, Kayla reluctant.

“Night, Matt.”

He didn’t leave the couch that night, unable to even contemplate climbing into bed alone, but when he woke the next morning, neck aching from the awkward position, Sev was there.

…

He wasn’t even surprised when Kayla called him, her voice torn between anger and sympathy. The end of Matt and Gabby’s relationship seemed the logical conclusion to their conflict, that or one of them self-destructing.

Severide had tried to keep an eye on his friend as his marital problems had become worse. He had been wary of interfering too much, very aware of his bias and jealousy – not just of their relationship, but of Dawson’s good fortune. He and Matt had been friends for over a decade; he would hate anyone who didn’t appreciate how amazing a man and partner he was – especially because of his own feelings. Feelings which he hadn’t even realised were there until Andy of all people had pointed them out.

Well, that wasn’t fair, Andy had been very perceptive, especially aware of other’s hidden motives or emotions. When Matt had been promoted to Lieutenant, Andy had made a comment about him and Severide being equals and how that took away one more roadblock to them being together. After establishing that his best friend wasn’t joking, Severide had asked sarcastically.

“And what are the other roadblocks?”

“Your refusal to admit – even to yourself – that you love him more than a brother.” That had _not_ gone down well and they only made up later when Andy agreed not to bring it up again. A few months later, he was dead and Severide packed everything Andy-related away deep in his head.

It wasn’t until Matt was seizing, possibly dying right before his eyes, that he remembered Andy’s words. Then Matt had been attacked – again – and finally retired. Severide took some time between shifts to sit down sort through his feelings. Half-sad and half-begrudging he’d admitted to himself that Andy had been right.

Too late to do anything about it though, or so he’d thought. He had never been a fan of Dawson and Casey together. He liked them individually but Dawson had always had this dopey look on around Matt which had got on Severide’s nerves. When enough had time had passed after Hallie’s death, people seemed happy for them – Shay especially. Severide did not have any cause to question it, so he’d just clapped Matt on the back and kept his distance.

That all changed with Matt’s forced retirement. Already on Matt-watch since the ceiling incident, Severide just ramped it up and throughout his friend’s rehab, he’d seen up close the problems with Matt and Gabby’s relationship.

From their rushed wedding to things like what they’d eat for dinner, Gabby held a tight control over the decision making and for the most part Matt let her. The only thing he’d really cared about – the kids – he’d fought for relentlessly. How she’d hated that. Severide had heard her at the House. She was usually careful about who she was talking directly to, but nowhere was truly private except the offices. Severide had had to grit his teeth many times to keep from taking her task for airing her and Matt’s personal business. He knew that some other people didn’t have a very high opinion of it either but they weren’t the type to say anything.

Then Cordova had joined them temporarily and Severide really lost it. He’d caught them coming out of the turnout room and bitingly ‘invited’ her to his office. When she’d refused, he’d started shouting right there on the floor about her abusing Matt’s trust, thinking she was better than him since the accident and how she treated him like a babysitter and housekeeper. Cordova had gotten into the mix with everyone else unsure what to do.

Finally, Chief had come out to give everyone involved a dressing down. Severide had remained steadfast under the bollocking and refused to look either of the other two in eye. As he hadn’t actually seen any inappropriate behaviour, Boden didn’t punish them, only warning them that it would _not_ be tolerated.

He did give Severide a talk about controlling his temper and the correct procedure to file a complaint. Cordova had left soon after that and although Severide contemplated telling Matt, he eventually decided against it. He wasn’t 100% sure anything _had_ happened beyond flirting and the last thing he wanted to do was cause Matt unnecessary pain. There was also the cowardly thought: _what if he believes her over me?_

A few weeks later, Kayla and Sam called him, worried about Matt. Apparently there’d been a fight between the married couple and Matt had seemed distant afterwards. Severide really didn’t want to get in the middle but Matt was his friend and it was well within his purview to comfort him. So he’d gone over the following day.

Matt was definitely subdued and responded more readily to Severide’s comforting overtures. He was always his most responsive when he was upset or feeling vulnerable. Severide didn’t ask any questions and Matt didn’t give any answers, but he did relax when Severide squeezed his shoulder and smiled when Severide teased him.

Recently, since the hospital really, Severide had begun to have an almost overwhelming urge to kiss him, to wrap him in his arms and hold him tight. _Goddammit Andy._ He cursed.

Now, seeing Matt curled up on the couch under a haphazardly arranged blanket, exhaustion and grief etched on his face, Kelly’s heart throbbed. Matt blinked, eyes focusing as he sat up. He just stared for a long moment and then he sobbed.

“Kelly.” Alarmed, Kelly sat beside him and pulled him in, holding him close. He was even more concerned when Matt clung to him. He shushed him and spoke soothingly until Matt recovered enough to whisper. “She’s gone. I sssaid we should…get a divorce.” Kelly just listened, taking it in. His heart broke more as Matt sobbed again. “I tried _so hard._ ”

“I know you did, bud. I know you did.” Sitting there, holding his best friend coming apart in his arms, Severide affirmed the promise to look after him, to love him with all his heart.

…

As Matt predicted, life after Gabby was possible, though hard at first. Signing the divorce papers was the hardest thing – for a moment, he felt a terrible fear that he’d forgotten his own signature, until he put pen to paper and muscle memory took over. It had only been his lawyer witnessing, he and Gabby had mutually agreed not to see each other. They had ended it as perfectly as possible in the circumstances and felt there was nothing to gain from seeing each other.

There was enough pain from the memories swirling in his head at night – and the few possessions she’d left behind. During the day he managed to keep busy: coaching Daniel on business practices, taking Jason to the planetarium for the 50th time, going to Spanish classes, helping Kayla with her homework, checking Sam had enough social interaction. It was when everyone else went to bed that the trouble started.

The first few nights Severide was there – Matt not questioning his presence, only holding on desperately. However, after he’d recovered some dignity and awkwardly dismissed his friend – Sev only leaving after extracting a promise that Matt would call if he needed anything – the demons had descended. They tormented him, making him question his decision, how he’d handled it, if it wasn’t too late to call Gabby and beg her to come back.

And when he wasn’t doubting himself, he was reliving all his past failures, all the pain and loss he’d accumulated over his life came crashing over him. Paralysed by it, he would lie staring at the ceiling or when he could move, he would pace. He knew the girls were worried about him but as he told his therapist, he just needed time and space. Daniela, who had known him for years by then, just looked at him.

Despite doing all he could to reduce his stress and depression – techniques suggested by Daniela – he couldn’t seem to find his way out of the darkness which had cloaked over him. Until one day, Sev invited himself over and refused to leave.

Whilst Matt hadn’t protested to his friend showing up out of the blue to hang out, when Sev hadn’t taken his hints of how late it was, he’d started to get annoyed.

“Okay, whatever this is, you can stop.” Sev had sighed.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes you have a hard time accepting help when you need it.”

“I don’t…I’m…” Matt tried, frustration bubbling as he couldn’t get the words out.

“I’m not here to tell you how you feel or how to feel. But it’d make me feel better if I could stay. Please.” Matt eyed him suspiciously but he had heard a strain of vulnerability there. Had something happened to Sev?

Throat tight from the earlier stress and new worry about his friend, Mat put a hand on his shoulder. Seeing his expression, Sev shook his head put his hand over Matt’s and squeezed. They were very close then, Matt’s breath caught and he found himself unable to look away from Sev’s face. They stayed still for a long moment until Sev breath.

“Matt.” Something inside him lit up and Matt closed the gap, kissing Kelly firmly on the lips. Electricity bolted up his spine and vaguely he registered big, warm hands encircling him. His own hands were running over cloth and skin and Kelly was impossibly close. _More._ Something whispered deep inside him and he hugged Kelly closer.

Fingers started massaging the fine hair at the base of his skull and he moaned into the kiss, knees buckling. They broke apart ever so slightly, panting into each other’s mouths. Matt’s brain was fuzzy and he wasn’t entirely clear what was happening but as his blood rushed south he didn’t have it in him to care. Kelly pulled just back far enough to look Matt in the eyes. He didn’t say anything, but Matt could read everything he needed to in those familiar eyes.

There was love there, along with lust, and a seriousness that was enough to tell Matt that he was in it for real. This wasn’t just physical comfort due to loneliness and familiarity. Cupping his face, Kelly said quietly.

“I love you.” Eyes stinging, Matt could only nod. Sighing, Kelly started pulling away and Matt tightened his grip. “Just wanna move somewhere more comfortable.” Matt raised his eyebrows and Kelly chuckled. “To talk, you dog!” As he was backed towards the couch, Matt just let his expression be the response he had to that. Kelly laughed again and breaking through the lust, surprise and excitement, Matt felt joy. He’d always loved making Kelly laugh and this close, feeling the vibrations through their connected chests was something else.

They crashed down on the couch in a tumble of limbs which wasn’t very pleasant but Matt didn’t care. He felt like he was 18 again, watching Kelly with awe and hidden attraction. Except this time, Kelly was looking back and what a look it was.

“Kelly.” He breathed.

“I could get used to that.” His lover(?) joked, before turning serious. “I know you’re a big boy and everything but I just want to make sure…” He trailed off, looking for the words; luckily Matt knew what he meant and despite the kid gloves sentiment, found it sweet rather than condescending. He pecked Kelly on the lips.

“You’re the only one who makes me feel normal, like I’m still…you know.” Shuffling closer, Kelly insisted.

“You are normal. So you got bonked on the head and forget stuff. You, the person you are, hasn’t changed. Not one bit.” Wanting to believe him but still unsure, Matt asked quietly.

“You really think so?”

“No doubt in my mind.” He leaned in and pressed their foreheads together, whispering. “You’re the only one who makes me feel normal too.” Matt closed his eyes, enjoying the moment. They stayed like that for a long time, until Kelly roused and cleared his throat. “So I spoke to the chief a couple of months ago, around Thanksgiving…” Hearing that Kelly was about to drop some big news, Matt’s grip tightened and Kelly slid a hand back up to Matt’s hair, saying soothingly. “Nothing bad, I promise. I requested a transfer to Arson- wait for it!” He admonished as Matt opened his mouth. Matt pouted slightly, but obeyed and Kelly went on.

“Ever since you left, it just hasn’t been the same. The helping people, the adrenalin rush of a close call, having everyone at your back, it’s all still good but I just…it doesn’t feel the same. I feel bored by it most of the time.” Matt felt horrible that he hadn’t known this, why hadn’t he known this? He listened attentively as Kelly went on. “I thought it’d get better with time but after – what is it – four years? There’s still this emptiness sometimes. I realised that the only time I feel safe and happy, truly happy, is when I’m with you.”

Stunned and touched and overwhelmed, Matt could only say.

“Kelly.” Smiling a little, Kelly pressed their foreheads together again. They stayed like that for a while, just breathing and enjoying the new closeness. “I forgot.” Matt managed after a while.

“Huh?”

“How it felt running into fires.” He smiled. “Feels like this.”

…

They decided to keep the new development to themselves. It was still too soon after the divorce; Matt hadn’t even gone back to the firehouse. When he expressed his anxiety about it, Kelly had insisted that no one was taking sides and sure, there’d be some initial awkwardness but then everyone would get over it. He was waiting for Cruz to pass the Lieutenant’s exam – mentoring him in the meantime – before he transferred.

Shamelessly hiding behind Sam – who’d volunteered to go with him – Mat walked into the firehouse in the late morning, armed with ingredients for chicken parmesan. Hermann gave him a brief and manly hug and after a few more back slaps and friendly greetings, Matt relaxed a little. Seeing Sam chat to Mouch always made him feel better anyway and soon he commandeered the new candidate as sous-chef. Kelly swung by the kitchen and they bantered just like the old days.

There was a call before lunch was ready so Sam took over sous-chef duty, helping with the finishing touches. After working in a comfortable silence, she looked around as if to double check they were alone and then asked him seriously.

“How are you? Really?”

“Think that’s my line.” She just shot him one of her looks, so he held his hands up in surrender. “I’m actually okay. Feeling a lot better.”

“Any particular reason?” Squinting his eyes, he almost couldn’t believe it.

“Are you fishing for something?” Sam’s ‘who me?’ expression cracked him up and they were both still laughing when 51 returned.

In between the chaos of feeding hungry firefighters, Matt leaned over to Sam and said. “Yes. I’ll tell you and Kayla later.”

As promised, he sat them down later that day and began.

“Remember when I told you I had a crush on Kelly when we first met-” Kayla interrupted, clapping her hands.

“-and you’re still totally in love with him!” A little taken aback, Matt blinked before feeling himself beginning to blush. Kayla steamrolled over anything he might have said back. “This is great!” She turned to Sam. “Step one: complete. Now we need to get Kelly on board. What did we have for that again?” Sam looked up to the ceiling, thinking, and Matt had an out-of-body moment, like he was watching a movie.

“Coffee on the shirt?” Sam finally said and Kayla snapped her fingers. Matt burst out laughing. He hadn’t been sure what their reaction would be, hoping for happiness but ready to settle for indifference. The idea of them plotting to get him and Kelly together was as hilarious as it was touching. Kayla looked a bit offended by his laughter.

“Well, what’s your plan then?”

“Please, as if he ever needed a move.” A wry voice came from the hallway. The girls turned as Kelly walked in, huge grin on his face. “Although going topless would still have worked.”

“You…you!” Kayla accused incoherently. Sam just smiled and said.

“Welcome to the family.” As Matt blinked away tears, Kelly perched on Matt’s armchair and threaded his fingers through Matt’s. Kayla mock-glared.

“Okay, but we get to plan the wedding!”

“No, thanks.” Sam piped up and the girls started bickering about hypothetical roles in their wedding. Matt looked up at Kelly and they shared a smile. Kelly leaned in and murmured.

“Are you happy?” Matt pecked him on the cheek and squeezed his hand.

“How could I not be? You?”

“Took the words right out of my mouth.” Matt leaned into him and soaked up the feeling of family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! There will be an epilogue with some more Sevasey, I promise.


	11. An Ever Growing Family

10 years later…

Jumping out of the car, Kayla didn’t even try to control her grin. The familiar brownstone standing proudly before her brought back many happy memories and hadn’t changed too much over the years. As it was November, the wind blew icily so she hurried up the stairs with her carry-on. She knocked on the door and tried to remember the name of the latest kid: Shanira or Sheena or something. Matt had told her during one of their monthly calls, eh, she’d just ask Kelly.

The door opened and little Fiona waved at her before shuffling away. Aware of Fiona’s social awkwardness – as she was still in middle school the psychologist had been wary of diagnosing her with anything – Kayla didn’t take offence, instead saying hello and closing the door behind her. The smells were amazing and the thumping of feet on the stairs made her smile. It was going to be a noisy Thanksgiving.

Aside from the painfully shy Fiona, there were the siblings Jon and Cersei – nicknamed Sweetie because she could not have been further in temperament than her cutthroat namesake – and the new arrival from three weeks previous. Remembering her own early days with Matt, Kayla couldn’t help but think that the new girl, all the kids, had it easier.

This time Matt was with someone who welcomed them with open arms and treated them with as much love and respect as Matt did. It was also obvious that Kelly loved Matt with all his heart. Seeing them together was like watching a made-for-TV movie: with pet names and teasing and plenty of casual affection. There wouldn’t be an unspoken tension and hostility that would wear Matt to the bone trying to fix.

Although Kayla had moved out once she’d started earning enough money, Matt’s promise that she was always welcome had brought her back a lot to visit. A year or so after she’d aged out, her mom had got back in contact. Kayla hadn’t been sure how to respond to the quiet and shameful apologies sandwiched between updates on her sobriety and questions about Kayla’s life. Her mother loved her, that Kayla knew, she’d just been unable to cope with motherhood.

Whilst they kept in contact through occasional calls and messages, Kayla felt in her heart that her real home was with Matt and Kelly. Ever since getting together, they’d been solid as a rock; facing new challenges and fostering dozens of kids over the years. Most were short stays but there’d been a few more who’d lived with them for years and so Kayla felt like the oldest child in an ever growing family.

She still saw Sam regularly and had even met some of her brothers. Apparently Sam’s parents hadn’t unbent enough to even see her, but at that point Sam had moved on. As she said whenever it was brought up: “I am who I am and they are who they are.”

Kayla was curious to see Sam’s new girlfriend – a PR manager at a local soft drinks company. Sam joked that she could be kept in soft drink samples if she wanted.

“We’re in here!” Came a familiar voice from the kitchen. Dodging the excited siblings racing down the stairs and into the living room, Kayla stopped in the doorway. The usually spotless kitchen was a mess of pots, pans and…sugar? Kelly, who was sweeping, saw her first and following her gaze, grinned.

“We let Fiona do dessert.”

“Never again.” Matt commented as he darted from burner to oven to recipe book. Kelly laughed.

“Maybe if you hadn’t distracted me I would have caught the bag in time.” Kayla smiled. Even greyer – Kelly had a full head of silver – and stiffer, they were still the same two sweethearts in firefighter bodies. They always joked that they’d let themselves go but they still ran and worked out. Matt had employed more hands in his business as they had several jobs on at once so only leant a hand every now and then. Daniel also had his own small business across town – “so I can spread my wings” he’d joked. Kelly worked regular hours at OFI so he only restored the odd boat, focusing most of his off-time attention on Matt and the kids.

Although neither worked there anymore, they still kept updated with the firehouse. There had definitely been some stunned expressions when they’d come out to their friends at 51 but everyone took in stride and Kelly had even been asked to participate in some CFD LGBT events over the years. That didn’t stop some of the ladies in OFI from flirting with him, though Matt didn’t mind it.

“They’d run if they knew how much he snores.” That comment always started a tickle war and Kayla would shake her head and laugh.

“Can I do anything?”

“Round up the kids? Sam and…Taylor should be here soon. Then we can eat.” Matt still struggled remembering things sometimes but Kayla would either wait patiently or prompt him casually if they were with outsiders. It was never a problem. Kayla nodded and took a deep breath. She’d got better at dealing with children over the years but they were always exhausting – especially after a long journey. Putting on her friendly big sis face, she went to find them.

Jon and Cersei were 11 and 8 respectively and whilst rambunctious, were the happiest and best-adjusted kids she’d ever met in the foster system. Their parents were serving a year in jail for fraud, Matt taking them to visit regularly, but despite their scams, the parents had been loving and responsible with their kids. Matt said the kids seemed to be treating their stay with him and Kelly as a kind of vacation. After the settling-in phase, they’d perked right up and apart from missing their parents every so often, were happy kids. Kayla put a lot of that down to Matt and Kelly – heck, Matt was even buying them Christmas presents from their parents. Apparently Mrs Coulter had cried when he’d asked them what to buy on their behalf.

Matt had been telling Kayla this late one night. It was her last night during a long weekend visit and she’d showed off her new cooking skills for her foster dads. The kids were all in bed and over drinks, listening to the story of the criminal mastermind parents, Kayla had remembered Matt telling her and Sam once that his mom had been incarcerated.

“What did your mom do? I don’t think you ever told me.” Matt had exchanged a look with Kelly and then told her. She’d cried for the boy he’d been: scared, alone and unloved. Kelly had gone to ‘check on a noise from upstairs’ and Matt had held her like he hadn’t since her mother had abandoned her.

“Did I ever say sorry? For how I acted back then?” She’d asked after she’d recovered her voice.

“Please, I was just as moody at your age.” He’d said tolerantly.

“You had a Hell of a good excuse.” She countered. He smiled.

“So did you.”

“No. I had you.” Matt had teared up then and Kelly had come down and sheparded them off to bed.

“Before this place floods.”

In the living room, she greeted the siblings and tried to understand the game they were playing.

“Hey Jon, what’s the new girl’s name?”

“Oh, Shiva?” Kayla frowned as Cersei giggled. Kayla put her hands on her hips.

“Jon, is that her real name?”

“Should be!” He declared. “Shiva the Destroyer!” He jumped up and down, roaring like Godzilla. Kelly came in with Fiona on his hip.

“I hope you didn’t let any dinosaurs in here, Kayla!” Jon shouted.

“I’m not a dinosaur! I’m the God of Destruction!” He kicked a couch cushion and Kelly raised an eyebrow.

“Does the God of Destruction need to run a few laps around the yard before lunch?”

“Yes!” Cersei jumped up cheekily. Jon turned and glared at her, opening his mouth no doubt to yell. Kayla suggested quickly.

“What about a race?” Both kids considered. Jumping on the idea, Kelly declared.

“Yes, a race with Queen Fi as the judge.” Fiona looked at him and tilted her head in agreement.

“Last one to the yard’s a rotten egg!” Jon shouted and raced off leaving Cersei to squeal and chase after him. Kelly hefted Fiona up higher on his hip, exchanged a bemused look with Kayla and followed. Kayla heard something and turned to see a figure in the doorway to the hall.

Dark skinned with long, black hair plaited perfectly, the teenager stared at Kayla with a mixture of suspicion and nervousness.

“Hey, I’m Kayla.” Kayla said neutrally.

“Sheebah.” The teen replied shortly. Kayla kept herself open and relaxed, smiling.

“Nice to meet you.” Sheebah grunted and just as Kayla was about to suggest they go talk to Matt, she blurted.

“He’s full of shit.” Kayla frowned, confused. “The kid. I didn’t do anything.” Holding up her hands, Kayla said calmly.

“Hey, I don’t even know what this is about. “ Matt came in and interrupted anything else that might have been said.

“Oh good, you’ve met. Sheebah, your rolls are done I think.” As Sheebah sloped off, Kayla looked enquiringly at Matt. He shook his head and the doorbell went. Kayla got it, grinning as she saw Sam and a smartly dressed woman next to her. They did introductions and Sam lightly teased Taylor, saying to Kayla.

“I tried to tell her that Matt and Kelly won’t care what she wears.”

“They’re your _family_!” Taylor defended herself. “Who I am meeting for the first time!” Kayla approved of her consideration but still snorted.

“Please, if Matt and Kelly didn’t kick my first boyfriend to the curb, you’ll be fine.” Sam chuckled, remembering that disastrous first dinner; Matt’s face had drained more and more as he realised how immature and thick they boy had been. It was one of her most cherished memories and something she still teased him about. They heard shouting from the backyard, Cersei crowing.

“I won! The Queen said I won!” Kayla grinned, nudging Taylor.

“Don’t worry. They probably won’t have time for any grilling today.” Sam leaned into Kayla.

“The new girl?”

“Sheebah. Think me circa 2017.” Sam winced.

“Gotcha.” She turned to Taylor. “Come on, into the breach.” The doorbell went again, Kayla sighing as she went to get it. It was always a mad house on holidays but this was getting ridiculous. The handsome young man on the doorstep blinked at her and asked hesitantly.

“Is this Severide’s house?” Kayla nodded.

“He’s out back.”

“Uh, I’m here for dinner. Jamie Rivers. I’m uh, the new candidate at 51.” Not having heard about that, Kayla reciprocated his introduction and let him in. Although not 100% sure, she got the feeling that he was just as much an orphan as she was.

“Rivers!” Kelly exclaimed as they reached the jam-packed kitchen. Rivers waved even as he warily took in the crowd of people. Seeing the reaction, Kelly whistled to cut through the hubbub. “To the table! Walking!” He warned as Jon and Cersei bolted. Jon shot him a cheeky smile and slowed to a fast-walk. Kayla helped Matt bring the food in as Kelly organised everyone else around the extended table Alvaro had made for them.

Kayla was next to Rivers, sending him a reassuring smile as she saw his shoulders hunching defensively. She briefly wondered what his story was but pushed the question down. Once all the people and food was assembled, Matt cleared his throat.

“Cersei, could you say Grace?” Everyone bowed their heads and put their hands together. Cersei cleared her throat before saying in one long breath.

“Dear God, thank you for this food we are about to eat and for our second family for taking care of use while mommy and daddy are in jail for being naughty.” Around the table there were a few stunned looks mixed with a smirk or two but Kelly just said.

“Thanks, Sweetie. Let’s eat!”

At either end of the table Matt and Kelly alternated between chatting with the adults and monitoring the kids for brewing hijinks as well as trying to deflect the siblings’ weirder questions directed at Taylor and Rivers. Luckily they were both good sports, River handling their awe over his job with ease.

Kayla noticed Matt keeping an eye on Sheebah, who was just playing with her food, head down. She’d grown visibly agitated as Jon’s voice rose, pretending to be a victim in a fire for Rivers to save. Matt sent a look at Kelly before going to get more drinks, asking Sheebah to help him. She nodded mutely, leaving without looking at anyone. Kayla helped keep everyone occupied until they came back a while later, memories of similar dinners when she’d been a teenager herself coming back to her in flashes.

Soon they were clearing away and tucking into Fiona’s masterpiece.

“Bellisimo! Bravo!” The siblings exclaimed.

“They somehow ended up watching an opera on TV the other day.” Matt explained, Kelly muttering under his breath.

“Wouldn’t stop warbling for hours.” Sheebah snorted and Jon noticed, eyes narrowing. Matt caught the reaction and was about to say something when someone knocked on the front door.

“Jon, could you get that?” Grumbling a little, Jon left to answer the door and they heard him yelling.

“Uncle Hermann!” Matt and Kelly exchanged a look but Hermann waved a hand for them to stay seated as he came in, Max in tow with his hands in his pockets. Still as loud and energetic as ever, Hermann explained.

“Sorry folks, thought you’d be done by now. Just needed an excuse to duck out for a while…Lee Henry brought his girlfriend.” Max nodded in silent agreement with the disapproval and Kelly laughed.

“Pull up a chair, we’re just enjoying Fi’s dessert special.” Somehow they were squeezed in and Hermann made sure to make his appreciation just as dramatic as Jon and Cersei’s.

After dinner and the table cleared, Matt took point with the kids, playing more games in the yard. Kelly looked after the adults in the living room, keeping their drinks topped up. Taylor had relaxed and was chatting to Kelly as Hermann updated Sam on Mouch and Trudy; Max and Sheebah sat on the couch, sneaking looks at each other in between looking at their phones. So Kayla talked to Rivers, finding his shyness cute, especially in someone so built for his age. He’d just finished telling her about his first call at 51 when they heard a particularly loud shriek from the yard. Hermann stood.

“Come on Rivers, let’s give the Lieutenant some back up.” They left and Kayla watched Kelly lightly grilling Taylor, impressed with how she handled his questions and returned the humour. _She’ll do_. Kayla thought, subtly raising her glass at Sam, who poked her tongue out.

Later, when the kids had been settled in front of a movie and Hermann, Max and Rivers had left, Sheebah escaped to her room and the others sat at the dining table, nursing coffees or teas. Matt smiled at Kayla and Sam.

“Thank you for coming. I’m so glad you did.” Kayla rolled her eyes.

“As if we’d go anywhere else.”

“I don’t know,” Kelly mused, “I hear Cuba’s nice this time of year.” Kayla snorted, joking.

“Please, like I earn enough for that.” As Kelly asked Taylor to explain her job for the third time, Matt leaned over to Kayla.

“How are you doing?” Kayla patted his arm.

“I’m _fine_. You don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

“I told you, it’s my job.” Sighing, Kayla leaned her head on Matt’s shoulder and he side-hugged her. Kelly and Sam smirked so she poked her tongue out. Matt said into the amused hush.

“You’ll always be my girls.” Sam smiled brightly and joined in the hug. Kelly got up and beckoned Taylor in as well. Surrounded by love, Kayla sighed happily.

“I’m thankful for you guys.”

“Ditto, kid.” Kelly remarked. Matt just squeezed them all tighter and smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deliberately left out any mention of Gabby in the epilogue so you can make up your own theories as to what happened to her. I like to think she went to Mills, finds him happily married but he lets her crash (his wife is super cool). She works in his restaurant for a while in the sleepy town and after telling him everything, he gives her a huge reality check rather than comfort her and take her side. Gradually through living and working in the close knit community and seeing Mills with his wife, she realises that she’d been in love with the idea of a relationship with Casey and not the man himself. She learns to let go of her fantasies of a perfect life and appreciate the things she has. Like a Sandra Bullock rom-com or something. Maybe she writes Matt a letter or sees him one last time to apologise but otherwise she moves on for good.  
> Or she finds a shmuck to knock her up and dies in childbirth, depends on my mood.
> 
> So after finishing a prequel to 'Empty Air', I'm going to do an epilogue to a House fic. After THAT, I have 3 ideas of Sevasey fics and I'm not sure which to do first, what do you guys think?
> 
> 1\. I’ll Follow You Into The Dark  
> Cruz’s plan doesn’t work and both Severide and Casey die in the chimney fire. Everyone is in shock, no one more than Severide and Casey, who wake up next to their bodies as ghosts. After the shock wears off, they have to figure out how to complete their unfinished business in order to move on. Predictably, it takes them a while to realise that their answer is staring them in the face.  
> Sad and angsty in parts but overall humorous (hopefully) and sweet (if anyone has seen 'Ghost' with Patrick Swazye, that's the tone I'll go for).
> 
> 2.The Firehouse Inn  
> “Tonight on Hotel Hell: I’m here in the Windy City to help Jennifer and her son, Kelly, keep their beautiful converted-firehouse inn open. Although Jennifer and her ex-husband Benny bought and ran the place for years, after their divorce, Benny lead a string of exes back to the place and some of them…stuck around.  
> Jennifer is doing her best in front of house with dwindling resources and Kelly stepped in as head chef, battling with the unwieldy and bizarre menu. Whilst Kelly's best friends Leslie and Matt are trying their best to keep the place running, it seems that the evil step mothers are doing their all to tear it down.”
> 
> Because I love the idea of Gordon Ramsey shouting at Benny Severide. The tone will mostly be silly but with some angst thrown in.
> 
> 3\. Cat Casey  
> Severide was on edge as 81 pulled in to the station. They’d called ahead to say there’d been a problem, though Otis had refused to specify exactly what. Truck all climbed out and Severide failed to see Casey among them. His heart almost stopped. Then Hermann was walking towards him and opening his turnout coat. Severide frowned.  
> “Is that a…?” Otis popped up and said with glee.  
> “It’s Cat Casey!”  
> Ridiculous, ridiculous fic about Casey turning into a cat, but I have to guys, I just have to.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just finishing up the epilogue, and I still need to proof all the chapters so will try to update every other day.  
> Unbeta'd so let me know if you see any errors.  
> Hope you enjoy!  
> :D


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